So I kind of sort of want to get drunk and make-out with double ex (college) boy-friend

Dear Pennsylvania,

It's almost 9pm and the kids and Uncle aren't back yet, that's very late for them. I have to say when someone is dying you always assume the worst. What if they are at the hospice place because things aren't good? When the phone rang at 7 this morning my mind immediately jumped to the worst conclusion too. It's both a heavy and anxious energy that fills this house.

It's Uncle's and Best Friend's birthday today. The kids and I made Uncle some cinnamon swirl cookies and enjoyed a yummy dinner of chicken enchiladas. When I was smothering butter all over the naked little chicken I was thinking of you. You would be proud, I am getting much better at touching dead things. I stuffed the chicken with garlic, lemon and LIME - which was a really fresh addition to the bird. I wish you were here to try it. I also made chicken salad for tomorrow, yet another thing that reminds me of you.

I am headed to Madison tomorrow to see double-ex (college) boy-friend as well as Thompson St. roomie and high school bestie. I am soooo excited!!! I am looking forward to hanging out with the 12+ crowd. I can't wait to use the word "fuck" whenever I want. Honestly it's challenging for me to speak without cursing. As you know I have a terrible potty mouth in my casual conversations. I find myself struggling in my conversations with the kids - I stutter and don't finish sentences.

[they are back.....I assume everything is fine as there is regular family chatter]

I am also excited to have a whiskey on the rocks and let loose. Too bad you never met most any of my friends. Too bad you never went to NYC with me or got to experience MY life. It was always me experiencing your life, meeting your friends and family, going to your gigs. I always resented you just a little for not being more eager to explore my life. It's because you weren't in love with me; I always knew, I just didn't want to admit it.

So I kind of sort of want to get drunk and make-out with double ex (college) boy-friend*. [cringe] Even though the truth is I don't think I am attracted to him anymore. I really only want to make out with you. But I just want someone to love me, more like I want someone to want me. I want to feel beautiful and sexy because someone thinks I am. I know, I know, I know - I should feel that regardless of a man. But just for one night I want to feel desired. Because you make me feel so terribly undesirable.

In any case it will be really good to see him. It's been almost five years since we broke up and I have only seen him once in that time. I loved him so much. You and he are the two great loves of my life, (the third being my beloved dog Tromley (RIP)). Kind of like you, I cut him off and really haven't been able to be his friend all these years. For a long time I couldn't - it hurt too much. And then I just didn't. Maybe I can now. I wonder if we will ever get to that place.

There is a tiny part of me that wishes that double ex boyfriend and I could rekindle things. How easy would that be? Obviously we ended things for good reasons. But I just would love to insert someone in your spot - maybe it take away all this pain. REBOUND.

UGH, your mom just texted me right now, thanking me for the treats. I can't wait until she opens her Christmas present I made her. I hope she loves it and more than that I hope it makes you really sad and heart broken on Christmas. That's why I put a note on it to wait until Christmas to open, that way you would be forced to think of me and maybe you would wish that I was yours again.

Enough said. This is long winded. I am going to have a chicken-salad snack and try not to think of you.

Love

Wisconsin

*THIS DOES NOT IN ANY WAY GIVE YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE OUT WITH ANY EX GIRL-FRIENDS (or any other girls for that matter)!!!!!!!!!