Post dancing letters.....4:30am

Dear Pennsylvania,

It's 4:30am, the "get it now message" on my phone woke me up. The sleeping pill wore off. Sorry about that:)

I was lying in bed thinking about you, as always and thought now would be a better time to email you than when the kiddos are up.

Of course I am finding joy. There is always so much joy in life if you just look for it, especially in kids. Uncle, One, Two and Three make for some of the best roomies I have ever had. I love waking up to the kids....they are so awesome. Yesterday I sent Two off to school, then One, Three, and I cut out paper snowflakes while listening to Christmas music. We made extra for Gram and to bring to their mom. Simple pleasures are the best ones. Then we went to visit my Gram for lunch. I know I am making a difference for the kids and for my Gram (who admitted to being lonely).

Last night after yoga I went to a meditation class. I wasn't the greatest at meditating, however I went. Afterwords their was a conversation part. I was happy to meet some interesting people and have insightful conversation. We were talking about how we label things and how limiting that can be. I thought about us and how to me you are still very much a 'boy-friend'. I hope someday I will be open enough to seeing you in a new perspective - as just a friend. Because I don't want to go through life without you. That will take some adjusting in the way I think - I will get there, eventually (I hope!). However right now, my heart just isn't willing to let go of the love I have for you. Right now I am still wishing you were next to me in bed. Right now I still only want you as my boy-friend - well husband would be even better! :)

I don't know about talking. Of course I want to talk to you - everyday for the rest of my life!!!! Especially now, there is so much possibility in my life - I want you to help me sort through it all. But I don't know that will help me move forward right now. I don't want to get more stuck on you than I already am. For you it is different, you lost a best-friend (which still TOTALLY sucks), for me I lost a best-friend who I am in love with. There is less risk involved for you to talk. I have to get over that love. I am sooooo not there. And frankly I don't want to get over you......but I have to force myself to.

I am constantly thinking of you and sending love your way. I wish you could be here with me, I know that you would find joy and fulfillment here too.

I miss you so much. And I love you even more.

Love

Cari

PS

Let's get married and join the peace corps.