Tonight I mean it more like you are my dear, Pennsylvania.
I took Two to yoga at 4 tonight...she had done it a couple times at the library for kids yoga, but this was her first real studio practice. She really liked it. More than anything I think it made her feel special that she got to come along with me. You should have seen the transformation when we arrived back home. She didn't complain about chores, shared her dessert with Three AND even asked Three to go to Starbucks with us. Amazing! She just needs more love! I think she equates love with time. I think it is important to find out what makes a person feel loved.
As you know we did go to Starbucks, but we left Three (and One) at home. Before I left Uncle gave me some books to read on losing a parent. He encouraged me to read them with Two. When we got to Starbucks and settled into the corner I realized we were surrounded by a coffee-shop full of deaf and disabled people. I could tell Two was a little uncomfortable, but I was glad for her to experience it. Everyone around us seemed so joyful....there was sounds of happiness and signs of laughter all around.
It seemed like a contradiction for me to read "How it Feels when a Parent Dies" to Two. The book is a collection of writings by children talking about the death of a parent. I couldn't help but get all choked up when I was reading a poem a child had written when his mom had died from cancer:
"I am Mother's loneliness in her hospital bed as she patiently awaits Father's next visit.......I am my mother's frail, ever-weakening body as my Mom slips into a coma....I am the sorrow of all as the casket is being lowered into the ground. I was my mother, I am her spirit."
Ugh. So then I texted you. Because at that moment I felt like I needed to tell you how much I love you. [and here comes the tears] I feel so grateful that this is just a break-up not a permanant good-bye. I am so lucky to know you - to have you as my friend. I am far too heart-broken to talk to you right now. But that doesn't mean I have stopped loving you. You remain and will always remain one of the great loves of my life.
I let my guard down with you. I could fart in front of you for God's sake. (sorry, i hate that word, ew!) And I could talk about shitting. I never did that before with a guy. But beyond that silly stuff I just felt accepted and understood by you. And I am so grateful for that. Because I haven't found many people in my life who I have felt understood me. My ideas and my value system differ from so many people in my life. You made me feel like it is okay to be different and that I am not alone. Thank you.
Now without you, I feel alone. I am whole, but I feel hollow.
I can't stop crying right now. I miss you so much. This really sucks Pennsylvania. I love you so terribly much. And I know you love me so much too, it just isn't the "in love" kind of love. I wish things were different.
On the way home from Starbucks I played Adele's version of Bob Dylan's, "to make you feel my love". I started crying. It's one of my favorites - and seems to be where I always end up. I switched the song quickly to Alanis Morrisette's "you oughta know". Not exactly an appropriate song for an 11-year old. But as I sang along to the angry lyrics I wanted her to see that it's okay to cry - it's okay to be angry, you just have to get it out. Losing someone sucks. Break-ups suck. Cancer sucks. A dying parent definitely sucks. But life goes on. And you just do the best you can to get through it.
I am doing my best. But right now I feel like I am not doing well at all. Tears are cascading down my face and I am heavy with grief. My chest feels like it is caving in and I can't breathe through my nose :)
I miss you.
I love you - maybe more today than I ever have before.
Love,
Wisconsin
PS
Maybe I should listen to this again....it's easier to by angry than it is to hurt.
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