Tonight I cried through 3/4 of a yin class. I don't know what happened, but tears just starting pouring out during pigeon and they didn't stop - and it was crazy. At one point I had to go to the bathroom to put my contact back in (it fell out). I feel a little weird - it as only my second class and I just lost my shit. A smidge embarrassing. It was beautiful in a way....the mind/body connection is powerful. It was cathartic too. I haven't really been able to cry or be sad since I returned home. I am always around the kids. I don't hide the fact I am sad - I think that is untruthful - but I also don't want to pour my emotional baggage on children.
I am working actively on getting over you. I am taking advice from my meditation class - we talked a bit about how you can sometimes romantic love makes you almost glorify someone. I certainly know I do that to you. I just wanted to see the best in you, because you have so much goodness. But now i am trying to see you for who you are. Trying to see our relationship for what it was. No more rose colored glasses.
It's hard to see the truth. I love you - and don't want to think anything bad of you. But you aren't perfect. I hate writing these things, but I think I should. Just for my own sake, to help myself get over you - or maybe at least see you for who you are. You can be lazy Pennsylvania. You sit on your ideas instead of do them. You know this is true - I have encouraged you to follow through on your genius. You are too smart to be wedding band player. You are too smart and talented to play local jazz gigs. Do more with your life. Volunteer. Travel. Do something big with your life....you are more capable than most anyone I know. Give back to others instead of investing so much in yourself. You read, you enlighten yourself, you feed yourself with healthy food and yoga. But what do you do for others? How are you truly investing in others? Again, you are too smart and too full of life and wisdom not to share it with others. Experience more. In some ways you live a very sheltered life. Why? What is holding you back from being a part of something?
I just started typing about how "I never felt supported by you" and started to get angry. But I recognize that is probably bc you aren't in love with me. You never were. Well, maybe in our exchange across the country you were. I remember the conversation about you going abroad to possibly tour (two----er) Europe, and I shared with you my fears and concerns, to which you responded ".....the only girl i have really liked in like three years" (or something close to that). I can't remember the whole thing, but I distinctly remember how loved I felt. I admit that I read your notebook early on in our relationship. In it read "i want cari to move to philadelphia, i love her". That was the ONLY time I have ever known you to feel that way. It was only in your head though. It was before you even knew me. It was the idea of me - when the distance allowed you to fabricate and twist me into the girl of your dreams.
I can't believe a few things. One - how it's only been a year, yet I am so upset by this whole ordeal. You are only one person - in a world of billions - yet i am devastated not have you in my life, not to be your girl-friend. It's pathetic what love will do to you. I hate that I care so much. I wish I could not care.
I can't believe also that I stayed so long. That I kept holding on even though the anxiety of knowing that you didn't love me ate away at me. I can't believe that I would put up with that. I deserve so much more.
I can't believe that you don't love me. That if you were truly honest with me you would probably say that I repulse you. It makes you sick to think of spending your life with me.
But I really can't believe that you don't love me. Because I think I am incredible. I am kind and compassionate and i think that I follow my truth more than most people. I think I am amazing. I don't think you will ever find another girl like me - you are walking away from the best. And I really believe that.
I dont' like the way you kiss. Though I can expect you think the same of me.
I think you are self-indulgent. It always annoyed me. What' the point of saying anything bc you disagree with me. You can be highly elitist. And honestly aside from your obvious genius you don't have much to show for yourself. You aren't humble and you over intellectualize everything. I have told you this before but I think it is avoidance. You are avoiding yourself.
Okay enough. I love you. But you are not perfect. And honestly I can do better.
Love
wisconsin
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