An actual email to Pennsylvania.

Angel of Grief, William Wetmore 1894

A NOTE:

Dear readers,

I talked to him for the first time since he went back to Pennsylvania last night. I broke down and called him because I accidentally emailed him one of these postings. Here is the actual email that I really did send to him after the call:

Pennsylvania,

I miss you. So much......it was so good to talk to you last night, yet it hurt so incredibly much. I don't want to label it as a mistake or a good thing....but I just don't want this to be harder than it is.

It angers me that you don't hurt like I do - that you aren't suffering and pining over me like I am you. In my twisted, broken-hearted head I think I thought that maybe you would have realized something in a week. It's ridiculous. I just want you to change your mind. I can say that over and over a million times but that won't make it suddenly come true. In that way talking was harder - knowing that nothing has changed for you. It is both hard truth now and more than likely will continue to be a hard truth later. You are not in love with me. We are over. These are things I have to constantly remind myself of.

It hurts me to think that within this week and half the only thing you probably realized is that you really aren't in love with me - and while you miss me very much, it is a relief not to have to live a lie. I keep getting sick to my stomach to think of you as my "Appleton". There is nothing Appleton could do or say, no amount of love from him - there is no therapist or amount of time that would suddenly make me attracted to him in that way - nothing would make me fall in love with him. Yet I will always love him and want him in my life - I love the friendship, chemistry and the banter him and I share. But I know that there is a part of him that still hurts to be friends with me - or at the very least wishes things could be different. There is a part of me that wishes I could be in love with him - it would be so easy - since he makes me feel so good. I guess I am telling you these things because on some level I understand how you feel about me.....which honestly only makes me feel worse.

I don't know that I am strong enough to be your friend - especially without hurt and resentment. I think I will have to be in a settled relationship before I can be friends with you. It sounds cowardly but it might be true.

I love you.

Love

Wisconsin