I will miss you all over again.

NOTE: an actual email to Pennsylvania

lots of vigor.

Pennsylvania,

Clearly this week has been a huge mess for me. I can only hope it gets better. I am not flying home because I think it will do more damage than me trying to suck it up.

I wanted to say thank you for being there for me. I truly appreciate it. I know it can't be easy to listen to me cry and complain. Obviously I am not just crying about us but family garbage as well. Your unconditional love for me is beautiful and please know it is reciprocated.

I did have a huge talk with my mom last night in which I was very frank about my feelings and frustrations regarding family. Probably too frank, which seems to be what I am unfortunately best at. In a way I am embarrassed you have seen this side of me. I crashed this week - a collision of heart-ache and family resentment.

Clearly yesterday's analogy to us being a "house without floors" really stung. It still does. I know you are just trying to be truthful. And as always I appreciate the truth. However this week our truth is more evident than ever, you are not here. So any reminder of that just seems to be pouring salt on an open wound. Still I think you are right about how you are expected to not say how you feel, yet I can, that isn't fair.

I need to fall out of love with you and that is proving to be particularly impossible when we talk. So for awhile, I need to talk to you less which is why I am writing you. There is no one else who I would rather talk to - you are my best friend. But at least for now I don't think I am strong enough to be your best friend. I know that is unfair. Maybe even selfish, but I think it is what I need to do to get through this. I am sure once I am home things will better, and hopefully I will continue to work toward a place of peace and acceptance and eventually get to a place where I can truly be just your friend. But the fact is I don't want to be just your friend, so it might take awhile to get there.

I have truly enjoyed talking with you this week - you are my favorite person. I will miss you all over again.

Love,

Wisconsin