Can't you change your mind, please?

(thanks KAR for this image you found on tumblr)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just got your email after what has been a crazy day. Potentially life changing crazy. I immediately went straight to my phone to call you, because I miss you so much. But it's late and more than that I know the phone call will end in tears.

Two had a break-down today about her Mom. Poor thing. I just held her. She was so rigid and defensive in her body language. I held her tighter anyway. She doesn't like to talk about it. After she cried I ran her a hot bath and let her pick out some essential oils, I gave her hot cocoa and sent her in with her favorite book. A hot bath is always good for the heart. We went to yoga later in the day - hopefully she sleeps well. It's her mom's 39th birthday today. The caregivers at hospice said Aunt's been up for only two hours in the last 48. So it isn't looking good.

I have a phone interview tomorrow. It's one of those jobs I applied for when you got me all excited about us moving to San Francisco together. I even had to do a project for them. We'll see. It's odd because I feel terribly guilty even taking the phone interview - I want to stay committed to these kids. But this opportunity could be incredible for me (SELFISH!!!) And in the two years since I lost my job, this is the first real design opportunity. The timing is terrible. Either way I need the practice interview wise. Ugh, moral dilemma. I talked to Uncle about it - of course he encouraged me to apply, says he has a back-up plan. Still. How could I leave these kids? Especially now. I wish I could talk to you.

SHIT I AM CALLING YOU RIGHT NOW. FUCK. WHAT AM I DOING? You aren't answering. Maybe that's a sign. Ok, you didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail, I didn't even let it get that far.

This sucks. You are who I always go to with my moral dilemmas. YOU are who I trust. YOU always make me feel better.

I want to talk to you but yet I want to know NOTHING about Chicago. I am am sorry by the way you had a gall bladder attack. Poor thing. Wish I was there to push you down (remember that?). I hope you are feeling better. Water and sleep my love.

Well, you must be home safely. That's good. Now you can concentrate on packing to move into the house we were supposed to move into together. That makes me really sad. Guitar player's girl-friend had a post on FB about how she bought four dining room chairs. One for her, one for Guitar player, one for singer and one for you. Maybe it's a good thing we broke up, it's easier to find sets of four than five. I hate thinking about the four of you at "family dinners". Our little "family" dinners of just the two of us were pretty much always the favorite part of my day.

I miss you so much. I really, truly miss you. I think you are the most wonderful man. Can't you change your mind, please?

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

No I won't be coming to Chicago with the kids. No thanks. Even the thought of it hurts my heart.

PPS

I think I saw a UFO today! It was a green shooting light - as low as the birds fly. I don't even believe in that stuff, but I swear, I saw it!!!

PPPS

Remember all the UFO youtube videos you showed me. Sadness. I hate break-ups.