The Lost Kale of Telford

Dear Pennsylvania,

Here is a poem I wrote for you.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Wisconsin

THE LOST KALE OF TELFORD

The lonely skeletons of the sea fill my pockets, still connected by the decaying cartilage of our affinity.

I am hanging on to them like the brown and wrinkled leaf who won’t accept the winter.

I keep drinking your distant words, sweet as anti-freeze,

Rich and sticky with human complication,

Nauseated by apocalyptic nightmares of rainbow thunder and deceiving maybes.

I have been electrocuted by your rejection, choked by the morning glories of what once was.

I blankly mourn in the prison of you, as the ocean turns to cornfield,

Watching the forgotten grass wait for spring under the broken umbrella.

Behind me streams a devastated high-way of pickled blood and briny tears I

desperately want you to follow.

Come back and tangle your legs again with mine like an octopus in a hurricane.

Together we can imagine that absent foundation for our beautiful walls until it is the truth.

We’ll be born again - this time with our eyes locked in a mutual trance of eternal love and glorious whiskey laughter found in the lost kale of Telford.

I wish you would fall in love with me next year

listened to this today in the car as I was writing my resolutions, it made me sad

Dear Pennsylvania,

You are playing tonight. I am alone writing you - waiting for Thompson Street roomie to call so we can watch the NYC ball drop together. The holidays and a break-up are a rough combination. I feel like since I left for Florida everyday is just another excruciating reminder that you don't love me.

I wrote out my 2011 goals today. One of them makes my heart sink with sadness:

Let Pennsylvania go.

It isn't like I have been trying, I have, but you aren't so easy to get over - especially when we talk and text. Especially because you are my favorite person - my best friend. But I have to. I have to eventually switch our phone plan. I have to find substitutions for you. I don't want to, but I can't go on loving you forever if you aren't going to love me back.

I wish we were celebrating the new year together. There is only 15 minutes left of 2010 for you. Enjoy it. I wish you would fall in love with me next year (as in - in 15 mins(your time!)).

Love

Wisconsin

I will miss you all over again.

NOTE: an actual email to Pennsylvania

lots of vigor.

Pennsylvania,

Clearly this week has been a huge mess for me. I can only hope it gets better. I am not flying home because I think it will do more damage than me trying to suck it up.

I wanted to say thank you for being there for me. I truly appreciate it. I know it can't be easy to listen to me cry and complain. Obviously I am not just crying about us but family garbage as well. Your unconditional love for me is beautiful and please know it is reciprocated.

I did have a huge talk with my mom last night in which I was very frank about my feelings and frustrations regarding family. Probably too frank, which seems to be what I am unfortunately best at. In a way I am embarrassed you have seen this side of me. I crashed this week - a collision of heart-ache and family resentment.

Clearly yesterday's analogy to us being a "house without floors" really stung. It still does. I know you are just trying to be truthful. And as always I appreciate the truth. However this week our truth is more evident than ever, you are not here. So any reminder of that just seems to be pouring salt on an open wound. Still I think you are right about how you are expected to not say how you feel, yet I can, that isn't fair.

I need to fall out of love with you and that is proving to be particularly impossible when we talk. So for awhile, I need to talk to you less which is why I am writing you. There is no one else who I would rather talk to - you are my best friend. But at least for now I don't think I am strong enough to be your best friend. I know that is unfair. Maybe even selfish, but I think it is what I need to do to get through this. I am sure once I am home things will better, and hopefully I will continue to work toward a place of peace and acceptance and eventually get to a place where I can truly be just your friend. But the fact is I don't want to be just your friend, so it might take awhile to get there.

I have truly enjoyed talking with you this week - you are my favorite person. I will miss you all over again.

Love,

Wisconsin

I can't talk to you anymore.

this is me. this is my vacation without you.

NOTE: I talked to him, again. This time the pain for out-weighed the happiness.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I shouldn't talk to you anymore. I don't even know why I thought I was strong enough to talk to you. Maybe I was in Wisconsin where my life seems to be in some sort of order. But not here in Florida where everything has crashed. It was a mistake to come to Florida. It was a bigger mistake to call you - especially today. I just feel so alone and you are the person who makes me feel like I am not.

I can't believe what you said about our relationship:

"we are like a beautiful house but with no floor, the foundation is missing."

I get it - YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME - THAT IS THE ESSENTIAL PART OF A RELATIONSHIP. But do you have to re-explain it to me in such a painful way? I don't need your fucking analogy. You don't think I get it.....I GET IT! I am CONSTANTLY reminded - when I walk down the beach and you aren't next to me, when I am alone cooking in the kitchen, when I am the only single girl at the dinner table. I get it Pennsylvania. We are broken. Our "foundation" is missing. We aren't together. You don't love me. You aren't attracted to me. Got it.

You also said that maybe if I would move to SF they dynamics would change and then who knows what would happen. Don't say that shit. Just shut up! Seriously!!!

I spend the majority of the day in bed. Crying because of you. I can't talk to you anymore. It hurts too much.

Love

Wisconsin

I don't want to give up our joint cell phone account because I still want us to get back together.

nothing else, but this.

NOTE: We talked again today. Maybe we shouldn't, but he is my favorite person to talk to, and he always make me feel better and manages to make me laugh, this week I really need him.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am exhausted and think I might be coming down with a cold. Mostly I just wanted to say that I don't want to give up our joint cell phone account because I still want us to get back together.

Oh! And on the phone tonight you asked, "how would it even work logistically it we got back together?". Why do you say stuff like that? Don't you see how hungry I am for hope? Do you understand how much I love you and how there is nothing more that I want in this world than for us to get back together? Just be careful what you say to me. Sometimes I still think you don't get how broken I am over you. Don't give me false hope - or any hope unless you mean it.

I love you. So much. Please, just find a way to fall in love with me. Please.

Love,

Wisconsin

If you smile you will feel better

An email in my box this morning from Pennsylvania, (one of the million reasons he is the best, best-friend I have ever had):

I was thinking about you feeling so bad and how your trapped in this frustrating situation with your parents, the weather sucks, i'm supposed to be there, etc. lots of reasons to be depressed. we understand the problem. we see the situation for what it is. we keep saying that over and over again. but what can we do to actually feel better? ironically i'm reading this book about unconscious understanding, and this morning i read the section on the biochemistry of facial expression... i'm sure you've heard this before and know it. activating different muscle combinations in your face literally causes your brain to release chemicals that fuel the corresponding emotion. so if you make a pouty face ALL DAY you are gonna feel like shit. the reason why you want me around so bad is cause i constantly goof of and make you smile so you feel good. the reason why it sucks being around your parents is cause they judge you and that gives you a pouty face. the bottom line is.

if you smile you will feel better. i know this sounds presumptuous and maybe even silly but it's true.

in buddism a remedy for anger is imagining someone you love then making the realization that at somepoint in time the person you hate has at some point in your millions of reincarnations been the person you love...

take some time to your self if you can and think about something that really makes you happy or a super fun memory ( something that isn't so closely attached to negativity ) and really go into it. remember all the details of why it made you feel so good. do a yin practice at the same time and you will feel at least a little better i promise.

if you do and you really really don't feel any better. then you should consider the bath with the hairdryer solution i think....



i hope this doesn't piss you off. i'm trying to help and this is what i would do.


NO MORE CRABBY WISCONSIN TODAY!!!

I am stuck in Florida, feeling a dark shade of navy - more like black, as in the black plague

BREAK-UP NO BREAK-UP

Dear Pennsylvania,

Ther's a blizzard in Philly. I wish we were getting snowed in together. Remember all the snow we got last winter? I love being snowed in with you. I can imagine us playing in the streets together - throwing snowballs, me putting snow down your jacket - you throwing me into the snow banks. Then we would come in and make tea and watch a netflix. I love life with you. It's fun. Instead of snow balls and tea I am stuck in Florida, feeling a dark shade of navy - more like black, as in the black plague.

I am so depressed.....this is by far the worst it has been since moving back to Wisconsin. It all makes sense. I have managed to do pretty well, keeping myself busy (perhaps distracted) with the kids. I have established my own routine including class six days a week that allows very little time for wallowing in self pity. I keep busy on the weekends, visiting old friends. But now here in the sunless skies of cold Florida I am left with far too much time to think and am trapped in the company of people who I deeply love, but do not feel myself around. And right now I just want to feel like myself.

I honestly didn't leave the condo until we went to a 7:15pm movie. Thankfully I had about 4 hours of alone time earlier today. That helped. All I want to do is be alone. I can't understand how it is possible that I have crashed so incredibly hard into a black hole of misery and heart-ache. I can't shake it - no matter what I do I just feel like complete shit. Texting you somehow helps - even though it probably is making it worse.....though I can't imagine it being much worse.

How will I survive the week? It's just about the worst combination: cold Florida, family and a broken heart with way too much time to think sending me deeper into my dark abyss. OH! And joyful joy! Tomorrow Brother's Girl-friend arrives. So it will be couple central. And then we have to have dinner with Brother's Girl-friend's parents on Tuesday. Great. Can't wait. I love meeting new people when I am depressed.

"Hi, I am Wisconsin. My boy-friend, well excuse me, my now ex-boyfriend dumped me because he wasn't attracted to me, he became less and less attracted to me over time. He is not in love with me. "

I just logged onto my netflix account to see what you are watching. I kind of hate that you still watch my netflix account, only because I am forced to know what you are watching. I wonder if the PBS special on the Greek civilization was any good, I will never know. I don't want to watch anything you watch. I also hate that we still have a joint cell-phone account and when I paid the bill today it made me sad, really sad. Especially because the day we went to get that joint account you were so sweet - you were hugging me and the sales lady thought we were so in love. THAT WAS LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO. Fuck you Pennsylvania.

Seriously, fuck you.

I wish I wasn't so in love with you.

Love

Wisconsin

I wish you were in hell like me

NOTE: The texting continues......

W: Wish I was there getting snowed in with you :( I hate this vacation.

P: Snowed is an understatement. This is hard core. There are gonna be frozen bums galore!

W: Awww. i am so depressed - i am miserable. i don’t talk to anyone. this couldn’t be much worse. i just want to go home....wherever that is.

P: Jesus, I am here if you need to chat.

W: i should not have come.

W: U aren’t here - thats the problem

P: maybe it would be worse if i was....

W: it can’t be worse. i want to take a bath with the hairdryer.

W: (that was a (dark) joke)

P: Ha.

W: I wish you were in hell like me.

W: instead you get a snowstorm with your friends

P: No one is here actually. And it is a bit depressing.

W: Good. I hope it makes u miss me and feel alone.

P: It does. I’m not quite at the point of suicide but could work on that if you want.

W: Lol - we could pull a romeo and juliet

W: Your pheromones are fucked up.

P: Maybe they are yours and mine are fine!

W: no darling. I repeat YOUR pheromones are fucked up.

W: sorry I am being an ass. my heart is just so broken. i am feeling dead with grief.

P: I was just kidding, jesus!

W: Just sat down in the movie theater. again - sorry. I just love you - that’s why. wish i was there to cuddle through the storm.

P: How many more days?

W: Don’t leave until Friday and then 24 hrs in the car. I wish I had money I would fly home tom.

P: I could mail your check to FL

W: LOL. u should buy my a tkt for all the pain and suffering u caused. i am depressed bc of you.

P: If I had the money I would fly u wherever you wanted to go.

W: Does it make you feel good to have someone pining over you?.....movie starting, bye.

This was the worst Christmas ever

This song makes me sad. I am sure you hate this song, because you hate Christmas and bad music.

NOTE: I had a serious Christmas break-down. We talked for like 45 minutes about my family issues - and his, and Christmas and me missing him. I mostly just cried and then cried some more.

Dear Pennsylvania,

Thanks for being my friend. I really needed to talk, mostly just to cry.

This was the worst Christmas ever. If you were here, it would have been the best.

I miss you.

Love,

Wisconsin

You would've made way better mashed potatoes than me

This is pretty much my Christmas attitude. Without you, Christmas sucks!

Dear Pennsylvania,

I must say that this Christmas left room for improvement. I spend the majority of the day with terrible cramps and depressed about our break-up. Plus this is a lot of family time for me. A LOT. I love my parents and brother, but we are really different. I am so irritable today and easily annoyed. All my annoyances are amplified due to the combination of PMS and a broken heart. The way my mom stands behind me and chews gets under my skin, my father's bland eating habits and my brother's buddy-buddy relationship with parents. It all makes me want to lash out and strangle someone. I know it is unkind, unloving and immature. But that is my truth. I am not one to lie.

How is it that most of my friends think I am loving and fun, but in the presence of my immediate family I am pretty much just the bitchy, snotty, negative daughter/sister. I think I am a good person.....is it possible they just bring out the worst in me? What is it about my relationship with them that leaves me so bitter and misunderstood?

I don't want it to be this way. I just don't know how to be around them and be myself.

I wish you were here. We could do our own thing and you could make me laugh. You always make me laugh. That's my favorite thing about you. Plus you would've made way better mashed potatoes than me. And right now we could be in the other room watching a movie.

Merry Christmas Pennsylvania. It would be so much more merry if you were here.

Love

Wisconsin

Florida sucks without you

maybe i should be reading this instead of texting you.

Dear Pennsylvania,

Thankfully the internet is connected. I lost my shit today. I had to leave the condo so I could cry. Foolishly I called you. This is really hard for me. Everywhere I see you. The things we would laugh at - the things we would do together - how everything would be more fun. How more at ease I would be around my family because of you.

This sucks. It's really hard. I feel like I most certainly have regressed. My heart aches again like it did when this all went to shit. I shouldn't be texting you. You shouldn't text me back. I know you miss me, but you miss your best friend. I miss my boy-friend. It is soooo good to hear from you - to connect with you. But what good can come of it? How can I heal? The thing is I don't want to heal, I just want for us to be together.

Florida sucks without you.

Merry Christmas Eve my love.

Love

Wisconsin

Ugh the empty bed pic hurts.

W: Wish you were here:

W: This is our bedroom

W: Here is the kitchen we were supposed to cook in:

P: Ugh the empty bed pic hurts. Jesus.

W: U r telling me. I can’t stop thinking of you. it’s miserable. I just keep thinking you should be here.

P: And no I have not read your blog. U told me not to, right? Should I read it? Is like every single interaction we have documented? That would be really cool actually.

W: I don’t want you to read it. maybe someday. but then you will know how pathetic i am.

P: I could still fly down....

W: that would set me back so far in this process.

P: Ur not pathetic. Come on. Why aren’t you at the beach?

P: I have to get my mom a christmas present. What do you think I should get her?

W: at the airport picking up brother. it’s 60 fucking degrees.

P: I don’t know what to get her....everyone else was pretty easy. Help!
P: Shit

P: I’m not coming then

W: omg! last minute keith, you could do a night in philly din and drinks

P: I do that like every year....they never redeem them.

W: ok how about something for her pool parties

P: Jeeze ok. Well let me know if you think of something.

P: Yes pool stuff! Good idea!

W: New fun towels or margarita glasses.

P: Right gotcha. I’m all over that thanks!

LATER......

W: I am crying at the pool where we were supposed to play. this sucks so bad:

W: I am mess Pennsylvania.

P: This isn’t premenstral week is it?

W: u guessed. bad time on its way.

W: i am in emotional hell.

P: If it’s any consolation I’ve only been at my folks for a few waking hours and I am in hell. It is making me feel physically sick. And it smells like salmon cakes.

W: Lol. I am glad u r in hell 2.

P: Well as long as it makes you feel better.

P: My mom just said fuck.

W: Fantastic. My fucking computer won’t connect to the internet. the blog is my only sanity.

P: Well you can write it and post it later...my mom said fuck again. She burnt herself on the fecal salmon cakes. HA!

W: Lol. oh I miss u penn.

P: Miss u too. Do you like Tulip?

W: She isn’t here until monday

P: Oh are you going to go scalloping? Why aren’t you at the pool or beach or bar or something? U should score some week from the bell boy. That would be good fodder for your blog.

W : Are L& L there? And I just got back from doing yoga at the pool. We are going to tour the island and then go to church. I figure i could use a little jc.

P: wtf

W: Ha! Don’t hate on xmas

P: Well I am going to stage 2 of hell at my aunts. Have fun at church. Let me know how it goes...pray for me

W: U need more than prayers.

P: Yep, I do. I need salmon in the shape of a football turd cake.

W: I hope santa brings you just that.

P: Luv u 2

P: Are you at church?

W: Just got back. it was cool. it was on the beach. I made a sand village and brother made a fire from the flames of the candle. saw dolphins. wish you were here. How’s your aunts?

P: That sounds cool. I wish u were at church. I was gonna send you dirty pictures. My aunts is ok. Everyone is already drunk. Im bored

W: Naughty. why don’t you just get drunk? did you open presents?

P: I am. It doesn’t really help. No. We open presents tomorrow.

W: Awww. well a big xmas hug to your bored self. why don’t you look something up on your beloved droid?

P: Thank. U too. Bla bla. That’s all i’ve done. My hand hurts. Gotta go. pizza and 7 fish time.

W: Enjoy my xmas ex.

I always imagined you would sing lullabies to our babies

Dear Pennsylvania,

So I am still in the car with the parental units. I haven’t told them about not getting the job. I just don’t want to sit with that energy in a 4 door car. My mother will assume I am deeply disappointed - her empathy can be overwhelming at times. She can silently talk you into feeling worse than you do, with the good intentions that a mother has of course.

We managed to make it to Florida and I haven’t said fuck yet - not aloud. I am trying hard to be respectful. I still can’t help but feel defensive and judged when I am in the company of my folks. I think I am misunderstood. My cynicism received by some as funny and intelligent is translated as negative and judgmental by them. Somehow as a 29 year old I still haven’t managed to break away from my former role as their snotty teenage daughter. Perhaps it is only my own insecurities that I am wrestling with, not my relationship with the two people who supposedly love me unconditionally.

Growing up in a fairly conservative, like-minded small town has most certainly left a giant chip on my shoulder. When I am in Wisconsin or in the company of my parents I feel that chip get heavier, sometimes its weight is exhausting. I am most obviously the outsider - the “liberal”, the “hippy”, the “misfit”. I wish I had the grace and courage to be comfortable in those differences. Instead I often find myself force feeding those around me with my lofty ideals. I just want to be accepted, loved and understood.

The sun is setting on the day, not however on our drive. Another five or six hours to go. I much preferred the drive across the country we shared together, even though it was because you broke my heart. We laughed, I cried and then cried some more. No matter what I was feeling in those 17 hours (mostly in the passenger seat), I didn’t have to hide anything. Thank you for always letting me be myself. And more than that thank you for always seeing the best in me. When someone believes you are the “nicest person they ever met” you are so much more likely to live up to their idea. I suppose that is why it is so important to be in the company of people who believe the best parts of you.

I am attempting to be brave and listen to the Fleet Foxes. I have been avoiding most music, especially music that reminds me of you. This is the album you got me for Christmas, along with that long 1920‘s cigarette that made me cry. It’s the album we used to listen to in the car. It has the song you recorded yourself singing on your phone at 5:00 in the morning when you couldn’t sleep at Miss Souderton’s house. You looked as serious as a statue singing that song on your Droid, one part tired and two parts focused. You have a beautiful voice love. I always imagined you would sing lullabies to our babies. That is the pathetic truth.

I was always envious of your talent and passion. If there is one thing I am passionate about in life it is love. Love of all kinds, but especially romantic love. Unfortunately that always gets me in trouble, and leaves me broken hearted and empty. I wish I could find a passion outside of love. I love life, so many things bring me great joy, but foolishly those things seem to get buried deep in the closet when I fall in love. I haven’t quite mastered the balancing act of being in love while still maintaining your sense of self. Though I am working on it.

Love,

Wisconsin

Sorry about Wendy’s. Get a baked potato.

NOTE: Here are more text messages exchanged today (me still in the car in Florida). I know I shouldn’t be texting him, but I just miss him so much, I can’t help it. Plus he started it today. He emailed me a smart-ass email to which I responded “u r a dick.....” to which he responded via text:

P: U know i was just messing around and that I would never hump any of your friends.

W: I know. and i knew you would respond like that. i am fucking sick of being in the car!!

W: I still don’t want you to hum anyone. I am really sad about our break-up.

P: How much longer?

P:I meant in the car :) :)

W: I know. like 4 hrs.

P: Can’t u sing some songs about being nice in Wisconsin with ur Mom to pass the time?

W: No. My parents think I am judgmental and snotty.

P: Oh! Just finished the goddam refinance! Finally! So you will have your money soon.

P: U are

W: Congrats! that is great for u. amen sista!

W: Fuck I am. Well that is all they see.

P:They just need to hang out in Philly for a day. Then they will think you are a goddam saint.

W: Screw you for not being in love with me. this trip would be a million times better with

u

P: I said I would still come!

W: I wouldnt be able to handle it without being a huge mess. remember how much i can cry? crying, crazy me is no fun. going to eat....at wendy’s.....you are better off in philly

P: You wouldn’t cry. We would have fun but whatever. Sorry about Wendy’s. Get a baked potato.

W: I don’t think you fully understand that I am in love with u and am broken hearted dear.

W: florida+wendy’s= new level of trash

P: Take pictures!

W: I tried. Couldn’t get close enough.

P: And I do fully understand. I’m just being selfish.

W: U know we would have fun, but it would make me love you more

P: I know

W: I wish everyday you would change your mind.

P: It’s not my mind I have to change....

W: Well then your pheromones

P: Working on it

W: And that’s not something you can change.

P: U never know

W: I don’t know dear. its been ten years and I am still not attracted to Appleton.

P: U aren’t really working it on though

W: How am I supposed to work on it? I will do anything!

P: Appleton

W: Oh you mean with Appleton - I didn’t try with him. No, I didn’t try.

P: But if you were maybe it would change

W: I want you to really be in love with me. I don’t want u to force it.

W: That last text message I sent you broke my already broken heart.

P: Sorry

W: Not your fault. I am always grateful for your honesty....even if it broke my heart. it’s ok, pennsylvania. i love you even if you don’t love me back.

I want to get too drunk in Nashville with you and make fun of all the Southerners

image from leloveimage.blogspot.com

Dear Pennsylvania,

So I am missing you so very much. I am so very much in love with you. I am thinking about how much I wish things could be different. Here I am in the car on the way to Florida - somewhere in Tennessee headed toward the trip we were supposed to go on together. It would be so much more fun with you. You are the funnest person I know.

I love how much lighter of a person I am when I am around you. I love that you are a creative quirk like me - even more so. I love your brilliant sense of humor: dark and intelligent. I love that we laugh at the same things. I love that I just texted you about the “hope after abortion camp” commercial I heard back in Kentucky. I imagine that if we were together we would laugh out of disbelief and then look up their website on your droid. We would definitely stop for a drink in Nashville if we were together. I want to get too drunk in Nashville with you and make fun of all the Southerners.

I admit to over-analyzing our text exchange. Specifically:

W: The thing is I would rather be poor and be with you

P: I do love u and not foolishly....I think about it everyday. Time will tell.....

I don’t want to hang onto false hope. But I can’t let you go - this text message is a glimmer, and pathetically I want to believe in that glimmer. Some days are better than others. And then others, like today are harder. Much harder. I want to believe that snippet of our text exchange means you are changing your mind. That maybe there is a real possibility of us being together again.

I got another email from the double-ex. Like I told you I am helping him with his new apartment. The thing is if I were to be with him I could actually go on that culinary trip around the world. And it would be fun. Because he is amazing. But there is no one I would rather go on the trip with than you. You really know me. What we shared was real intimacy. I opened up to you more than I have ever opened. I couldn’t open up to him in the same way I do with you.

I want you back. Actually I don’t think that counts, since I always wanted you. I want YOU to want me back. I want you to be in love with me. I want you to realize that what we share is far more amazing than you even knew. I want you to want to spend the rest of your life kissing me and laughing the years away. I want you to come to Wisconsin and knock on my door. I want you to embrace me and I want to melt in your beautiful skinny, toned man arms. I want to touch your handsome face and feel your laugh shaking with mine. I want you to wrap your legs around mine while we watch movies. I want to wake up next to you because it would mean I would start my day laughing.

I fucking love you Pennsylvania. And I hate to say it, but all I want for Christmas is you.

Love

WIsconsin