You would really have to kiss my ass for the rest of our lives if you want to get back together.
Sooooooooooo. I am trying not to over-analyze our email exchanges. It's a little hard not to. It's also a little hard not to be pissed off at you for potentially leading me on.....for being so ambiguous. I am happy for you as a person that you are evaluating your existence. That's always a good thing. I am happy to be evaluating mine however difficult it is to sometimes look in the mirror.
Our email exchanges have me thinking about the idea of us getting back together....however delusional that might be. How would we be together again? It hasn't been that long but it's been long enough to realize certain things about myself - about us. We might just be permanently broken....though in life I tend to believe anything is possible. But it could be complicated. How would I trust that you are in love with me? How would I know that it wouldn't happen again? I suppose I would just know - like I knew before. I trust myself, I trust my heart - it's never wrong, not if I really listen closely. I would have to listen closely.
Just so you know, I just wouldn't run back into your arms. So much would have to be discussed. I would demand more from you. I would have higher expectations from myself and from you as partners. I wouldn't want to live in Philly. I would want where we live to be a compromise. I would love to move to a smaller liberal town with a wonderful liberal community. I don't want to chase around your career. You would have to be waaaaay more willing to plan. You would have to be more supportive of my energy. I would need you to better communicate with me your love. You would have to prove yourself and your commitment to me. I am too old and wise for bullshit. I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't serious. The truth is I want nothing more in life than love and a family.
I can't believe I am even writing these things. Nothing is happening. But it feels like it could. And I need to be both realistic and prepared for that idea. I need to be truthful with myself and with my life. I am forever seeking my truth. Will that truth include you? I don't know. But I do know I can't allow myself to naively let you back into my life.
Love,
Wisconsin
PS
You will have to prove yourself to more than just me. Most people who aren't in love with you probably think you are just a dick and a fool for breaking my heart in the first place.
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