I am in bed now, slightly drunk from that wine I was drinking.

I will. But not in ignorance. I am opening other doors while making sure to leave ours wide open:)

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just put three to bed. I am listening to Pandora (Gospel by The National is playing). I am alone now, drinking your favorite wine from a mason jar, with the lights barely lit missing you so much.

I made it through the all-day meditation sit. It was painful.....physically. Toward the later half of the day my shoulders starting caving in. And I cannot say that I "meditated" all day - I tried. My mind wandered quite a bit. I did meditate though - but not for the entire 6 hours.

In the morning the priest said "listen on your inhale, answer on the exhale". So with my inhales I said in my head "listen" and on my exhale I spelled out positive words, one letter per exhale, like this:

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: L

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: O

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: V

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: E

It was the only way my mind didn't get crazy distracted and I wanted to incorporate meaningful words into my practice - positive and self-loving.

During Daisan, which is a one to one with a priest I asked about two things: moving on from you and materialism. The advice regarding moving on was to listen to my heart. Truthfully, my heart tells me to wait for you. Of course that doesn't mean we will end up together, but I have decided that it is okay to keep that door open - so long as I am opening other doors. My gut tells me you are worth it, even if we don't end up together and my heart breaks a little more.

My other question was my conundrum with my love of design which is material based vs. my belief that materialism is negative. She said something that Yoga Teacher already said. It is okay to have contradictory values. In fact who says they are contradictory at all? This is a belief that we have come to know - but it doesn't mean it is the truth.

I am proud of myself though because a couple of years back in NYC there is no way I could spend 6 hours sitting still. No way.

two and half hours later..........

I am in bed now, slightly drunk from that wine I was drinking. Uncle, One and Two came home and we sort of watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith but mostly just drank wine (me and Uncle) talked loosely of philosophy and life, the kids and I ate KRAFT m&c (my request:)). It was nice. I love this family. I am so grateful that things with us went down at the perfect time for me to come here and help. I know this is the way it needs to be. The Universe has it's way. And I think we both needed some time apart to figure ourselves out. Whether we get back together or not will be revealed in time.

I love you. I think you are incredible. Absence DEFINITELY made my heart grow fonder. For all I know you are in Pennsylvania hooking up with other girls and so grateful that we broke up. Oh well! Doesn't change anything for me! I am happy as can be tonight - drunk and grateful for an opportunity to spend time with the ones I love :)

Love,

Wisconsin!!!