I would never want someone to force themselves to love me.

I know you love me - unconditionally forever. It's not the love I want it to be, but it is beautiful nevertheless.

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

A morning email to Pennsylvania - a follow-up to last night's conversation:

Dear Pennsylvania,

Thanks for talking last night. I miss you so much. And I love you even more.

I want you to know I think you made the right choice. You mentioned I am an amazing girl-friend - I would make a wonderful wife, and sometimes you wonder if you are an idiot. You are not. I am an amazing girl-friend and will be a wonderful wife - but those aren't reasons to be with someone. You deserve to be in love with your girl-friend - and especially your wife. You should never settle. I would be so disappointed in you if you did.

Like-wise I want my husband to be madly in love with me. Because that is what I always dreamed of and that is what I deserve. I want that person to be you - but I can't make you love me. And oddly enough I don't think you can make yourself love me.

Appleton always used to tell me "you don't even know what real love is". That always got under my skin. Because it made me think - maybe he's right - maybe I am searching for this thing that doesn't exist. But I knew in my heart it did. There was a part of me who wanted Appleton and I to work. He loved me so unconditionally - so beautifully - so effortlessly. He filled me up so full of love. But I just could never reciprocate. It just wasn't there. And I knew in my gut it would never be. That it would be unfair to the both of us to be together.

I know I always compare our situation to my experience with Appleton. All I know is what I have experienced. It just seems like it's the same situation - only roles reversed. Having experiencing that makes me so much more empathetic to you. I just would never want you to be anyone but yourself - to feel anything other than your truth - even if it means we aren't together. I would never want someone to force themselves to love me.

I wish our story had turned out differently. But I love you just the same.

Love

Wisconsin