"What is going on inside?" - because the body is just a mirror.

Balance is what I am seeking.

(remember when we watched Man on a Wire together? One of my faves!!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

[big sigh]

OK, just got out of two yoga classes. Second one being yin. I asked one of my fellow yogis who happens to be a chiropractor about my posture....because yes, I know it is screwed up. He explained some of it is just anatomical. We got to talking a little bit more and he said something that is so true. He noticed that I am very flexible in yin class - and he said something like, "you are very flexible, but I willing to bet you aren't so strong". EXACTLY. He said down the road it could be to my detriment to be so flexible now - and that it is important to work on strength. BALANCE is the key. Then he asked, "what is going on inside?", because the body is just a mirror.

What is going on inside that is so out of balance? I have been this way for YEARS. Discontent, always searching, living extremes (though you darling, are so much more extreme than me), always trapped in emotion. What is it that is so out of balance? A couple of things come to mind. Fear, anxiety, lack of focus - lack of purpose for that matter. Lack of roots, and I don't mean physically (though I suspect moving every year, sometimes two or even three times a year doesn't help), but not grounded in my own self. Perhaps a lack of self-worth or confidence. Mostly I think it is lack of direction. I can't ever seem to find something other than love that truly makes me tick.

Well, that is not entirely true. You saw how immersed I got when I was designing the costume for Unica. Or my old NYC job - that was consuming - though I was miserable. I absolutely adore my yoga practice. I love baking and cooking. I love the all things natural. I love essential oils (silly but true). I love herbs and holistic health. I love painting even though I don't do it enough. I love style and fashion. I love interior design. But I also hate that I love fashion and interior design because it is material based. I should rephrase that and say I love self-expression:) OH! I love flowers and plants.

I guess what is lost is not a love of life or a passion for something it the lack of decision. How do you choose what to do with your life? I have too many issues. I don't want to work for corporate because it is against my ethics. I don't want to work in design because I don't think working for something material based is helping the world. I could do something holistic.....maybe. But then I also want to be fashionable, which again is against my ethics.

Yoga Teacher told me that it's okay to have contrary beliefs, just accept them. I need to accept my contrary beliefs because I feel like my entire personality is one huge contradiction.

OK - enough about that!

Love,

Wisconsin