And because I don't feel ready to give up on us.

Let's get married and join the Peacecorps like we said we would.

I will drink tea from this cup you got me.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I have so much to say.

First for whatever reason this weekend was really hard. I was really blue. Missing you - wondering what the fuck I am going to do with my life. Missing old friends - old habits and ways of living. Then again - wondering what I am doing with my life. Missing you some more.

Yoga snapped me out of it - as it always does. I can't tell you how grateful I am everyday for that practice. My mat is my refuge and my sanity. Not only has it been so wonderful for my mind and body - but also for my spirit. I have truly found a place where I feel at home, a community at a time in my life that I need it most. And I just love Yoga Teacher. She always makes me smile.

It dawned on me during practice that probably part of the reason I want a new mat so bad is to make the practice mine. That purple mat still smells like you (and me too) - it's comforting to think of you using it in my apartment to do your own practice in front of my beautiful mirror while I made us breakfast. But it's time to let you go. It's time to make my practice - MY practice. It will symbolize my new beginning. I am so excited! Maybe I will get it tomorrow :)

I got home and Uncle asked me about the Peace Corps. He is strongly encouraging me to apply. Oddly enough I was just working on the application yesterday but got really discouraged because the application is so overwhelming and it doesn't seem like my resume fits their needs. I have filled out this application so many times without really ever finishing it.

I am going to finish it. I think this could be very good for me. But I am afraid. Fear is no good. It holds you back from living. I have two main concerns. I am worried I will go and come back in three years and still be single. Then my ovaries will be that much closer to expiring, my clock will be louder than ever and I will never have those babies.

And now this tears are falling. The second worry involves you. I think part of my reluctance in finishing the application is actually because of you - because of "us". I am afraid that I will sign up and just as I am ready to leave you will come back and say you want to try again. And then what would I do? I feel like I am not fully ready to give up hope on us. It's pathetic. We are broken. But truthfully I am still endlessly hopeful you will change your mind. I just feel like by even applying I am really moving on from you. I know that is what I need to do. But that is scary. Because I still love you. And because I don't feel ready to give up on us. And because I don't want to lose any potential of you and me.

I just tried calling you.....you didn't answer.

I want you to tell me that you won't mess with my life. That you won't suddenly decide to want me again when I am finally moving forward with my life. I want your blessing. I want to know that if I went and suddenly you realized you were in love with me that you would wait - that I would be worth the wait. That by me choosing this path it wouldn't jeopardize any potential future we might have together - even if it is just a tiny maybe. I also want you - my best friend to tell me to go. To experience the world - to expand my mind. I want your support and love. But mostly I just want you to want me back.

I liked the idea of us getting married at the courthouse and going into the Peacecorps together. Too bad we didn't do that. Imagine the fun we would have together. Plus I would make the best wife.

We are talking now.

We just got done talking. And I am so relieved to have talked to you. I am so happy that I can be honest with you and tell you everything. I can cry to you and tell you my truth. I feel better. I know you still love me. I know there is still a chance for us. Because I can hear it in your voice. I know you wish it could be different. Of course I am also not naive. I know that chances are you aren't magically going to be attracted to me. I know that we might never be an "us" again. And I must live my life thinking that way. But now you know I am applying to the Peace Corps. Now you know that if you are going to change your mind you should do it soon:) Or better yet let's get married and join together :)

I love you Pennsylvania.

Love me back.

Love,

Wisconsin