I am happy to be without you - hairy legs and all :)

This is joy.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I will not be emailing you or calling. I feel content and at peace. If you have something to say to me you know my number - you know my email. I am not about to push you or prod you into anything. And while I still love you and miss you everyday, I am happy without you - hairy legs and all :)

At this point I have no idea what you are really thinking, of course that obviously hasn't stopped me from analyzing each and every one of your emails. Today I wondering if you really are having a change of heart - and if I even think that is possible. If you are re-thinking things is it just because you want what you can't have? Or because you know I am more disciplined about yoga or exploring meditation I suddenly seem appealing to you? At the core I am the same person. That hasn't changed.

In your defense I am more independent when I am single. I think when I was in Philly I really struggled with finding my own way, a brand new city is really overwhelming. What I lacked was my own community. And the challenge was finding my own community separate from you. If you moved here right now it would be much easier for me to maintain my sense of self - I already have an established community, family and routine. In Philly everything was new and I felt overwhelmed much of the time. Plus I didn't find Philly that welcoming of a community. Maybe I am just a small town girl and get too suffocated by big cities - since I also felt like NYC was a hard place to feel at home, at least there I had my work crew.

And right now I feel fulfilled helping out my family. I am finding such joy in each day. It is challenging to me and I cannot imagine investing in anything more important than people you love.

Love,

Wisconsin

Will that truth include you?

You would really have to kiss my ass for the rest of our lives if you want to get back together.

http://www.philosyphia.com/family/images-from-a-closet-box

Dear Pennsylvania,

Sooooooooooo. I am trying not to over-analyze our email exchanges. It's a little hard not to. It's also a little hard not to be pissed off at you for potentially leading me on.....for being so ambiguous. I am happy for you as a person that you are evaluating your existence. That's always a good thing. I am happy to be evaluating mine however difficult it is to sometimes look in the mirror.

Our email exchanges have me thinking about the idea of us getting back together....however delusional that might be. How would we be together again? It hasn't been that long but it's been long enough to realize certain things about myself - about us. We might just be permanently broken....though in life I tend to believe anything is possible. But it could be complicated. How would I trust that you are in love with me? How would I know that it wouldn't happen again? I suppose I would just know - like I knew before. I trust myself, I trust my heart - it's never wrong, not if I really listen closely. I would have to listen closely.

Just so you know, I just wouldn't run back into your arms. So much would have to be discussed. I would demand more from you. I would have higher expectations from myself and from you as partners. I wouldn't want to live in Philly. I would want where we live to be a compromise. I would love to move to a smaller liberal town with a wonderful liberal community. I don't want to chase around your career. You would have to be waaaaay more willing to plan. You would have to be more supportive of my energy. I would need you to better communicate with me your love. You would have to prove yourself and your commitment to me. I am too old and wise for bullshit. I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't serious. The truth is I want nothing more in life than love and a family.

I can't believe I am even writing these things. Nothing is happening. But it feels like it could. And I need to be both realistic and prepared for that idea. I need to be truthful with myself and with my life. I am forever seeking my truth. Will that truth include you? I don't know. But I do know I can't allow myself to naively let you back into my life.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

You will have to prove yourself to more than just me. Most people who aren't in love with you probably think you are just a dick and a fool for breaking my heart in the first place.

Remember "friendster"? Unfortunately the internet does.

Last night in my slightly drunken state I emailed him.....here are last night/today's email exchanges.

WISCONSIN:

I am drunk and I miss you. But I am happy because I love my cousins and my Uncle and feel so grateful to help.

I love you even if you don't.

Love always and forever,

Wisconsin

PENNSYLVANIA:

(he attached a picture of me he found)

i wish u wouldn't say over and over that i don't love u. cause i do very much. u are not just a friendster...

YIKES!!! How did he find this?!?!?

Remember friendster? Unfortunately the internet does.

(I blocked the faces.....believe me I don't even want to see myself that drunk.)

WISCONSIN:

LOL!!!!!!!! That picture pretty much sums up my college years. D.R.U.N.K. Yikes. That's funny you found that bc I just found that the other day too when I googled myself. HA! I remember my friends setting me up the friendster account putting up that picture as a joke. Now the jokes is really on me. Ugh. :)

I am up at 3 am to drink some water and rinse my eyes. Pray for my eyes. I finally got sick this past week - and somehow have a cold in my eyes. It's disgusting. I don't have health insurance - which usually I don't care, but eyes make me nervous. I love seeing.

I know you love me dear....very much. I mean "in love" when I write that. Sorry.

Going back to bed.

Sweet dreams.

Love,

Wisconsin

(I emailed again, like a half hour later)

WISCONSIN:

I can't sleep. Because I am sad about our break-up for practical things that I often ignore. In this whole breakup I have been concentrating on love - which comes as no surprise. You know I am in love with you. That hasn't changed - if anything absence has made my heart grow fonder :)

But there are some truths to our break-up that go beyond emotion - some things that even with love might never work - and that makes me sad. I think of how much more stable I feel since coming home. So much of that has to do with routine. And as much as I hate to say it I am a routine girl. Emotionally and physically I function much better on a tight schedule. Waking up at the same time - going to bed at the same time, eating the same thing for breakfast. Going to yoga everyday at the same time. Having a plan. It helps me to feel balanced and at ease. I truly feel more sane and suffer much less having a fixed schedule.

You are the opposite of that - schedules suffocate you. Planning drives you nuts. You love your crazy schedule. It isn't crazy to you. We have opposite needs. You would benefit from a free-spirit type who feels free and relaxed with your life-style. That isn't me. I would benefit from someone who had a really stable schedule so we could snyc our rhythms together - otherwise I would spend all my time trying to do so (like I did with us). I don't know that either of us could really feel free with each other. That makes me sad. Because I still want us to work....somehow. But I don't know that we ever really did.

Plus we have no money and that makes me nervous. That is an easy fix though. But the schedule thing - that's fundamental.

Shit man. I really hate break-ups. And I hate practical thought.

But it never stopped me from loving you - and it probably never will.

Love

Wisconsin

PENNSYLVANIA:

planning smanning. it's all perspective. you cand see it as an obstacle and a burden and or a postive thing that our strengths are eachothers weaknesses. depends what you want and need out of the relationship. someone to push u or hold u in place....


how do u want the notes to resonate? what is more beautiful to you? unison or contrary motion? consonance or dissonance?

WISCONSIN:

Are you asking yourself the same question. Don't fuck with me. Please.

PENNSYLVANIA:

Yes and I'm not fucking with u...

I am in bed now, slightly drunk from that wine I was drinking.

I will. But not in ignorance. I am opening other doors while making sure to leave ours wide open:)

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just put three to bed. I am listening to Pandora (Gospel by The National is playing). I am alone now, drinking your favorite wine from a mason jar, with the lights barely lit missing you so much.

I made it through the all-day meditation sit. It was painful.....physically. Toward the later half of the day my shoulders starting caving in. And I cannot say that I "meditated" all day - I tried. My mind wandered quite a bit. I did meditate though - but not for the entire 6 hours.

In the morning the priest said "listen on your inhale, answer on the exhale". So with my inhales I said in my head "listen" and on my exhale I spelled out positive words, one letter per exhale, like this:

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: L

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: O

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: V

Inhale: Listen

Exhale: E

It was the only way my mind didn't get crazy distracted and I wanted to incorporate meaningful words into my practice - positive and self-loving.

During Daisan, which is a one to one with a priest I asked about two things: moving on from you and materialism. The advice regarding moving on was to listen to my heart. Truthfully, my heart tells me to wait for you. Of course that doesn't mean we will end up together, but I have decided that it is okay to keep that door open - so long as I am opening other doors. My gut tells me you are worth it, even if we don't end up together and my heart breaks a little more.

My other question was my conundrum with my love of design which is material based vs. my belief that materialism is negative. She said something that Yoga Teacher already said. It is okay to have contradictory values. In fact who says they are contradictory at all? This is a belief that we have come to know - but it doesn't mean it is the truth.

I am proud of myself though because a couple of years back in NYC there is no way I could spend 6 hours sitting still. No way.

two and half hours later..........

I am in bed now, slightly drunk from that wine I was drinking. Uncle, One and Two came home and we sort of watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith but mostly just drank wine (me and Uncle) talked loosely of philosophy and life, the kids and I ate KRAFT m&c (my request:)). It was nice. I love this family. I am so grateful that things with us went down at the perfect time for me to come here and help. I know this is the way it needs to be. The Universe has it's way. And I think we both needed some time apart to figure ourselves out. Whether we get back together or not will be revealed in time.

I love you. I think you are incredible. Absence DEFINITELY made my heart grow fonder. For all I know you are in Pennsylvania hooking up with other girls and so grateful that we broke up. Oh well! Doesn't change anything for me! I am happy as can be tonight - drunk and grateful for an opportunity to spend time with the ones I love :)

Love,

Wisconsin!!!

And you are really good at building fires. Plus you are crazy strong.

Please let this be true!

http://historiesofthingstocome.blogspot.com/2010/10/2012-apocalypse-postponed-due-to.html

Dear Pennsylvania,

Instead of blogging I ought to be writing my Peace Corps essay. My FIT transcript landed here today. But I just feeling like vegging out - writing you a bit, watching Arrested Development which always makes me giggle and then going to bed.

I am real nervous about me and the Peace Corps. You know I am not a big bug fan. That's a problem. I am not a mouse person. And I prefer flush toilets - though more recently I have begun exploring the great outdoors. I could adjust - I would have to. It would be good for me, but certainly challenging. Though I tend to adjust to most living situations....nothing can be much worse than living just shy of Chinatown in a SoHo dump....roaches, mice, toxic rat feces leaking up from the basement, no light, 4 people living in an apartment note even 400 square feet. HA!

Plus I still obsessed with which really does hold me back - if only emotionally. Beyond that I have a crazy confession. I am afraid of December 2012. It's a little embarrassing.....but I am. I don't want to be on some remote island far away from my friends and family. Rural, 3rd world countries would probably be either the first to go....or maybe the last. Either way it would be awfully scary to be alone. I know it's silly, and I know I would make friends and wouldn't really be alone. But it isn't the same. I am sure in time of crisis you would want to be with those closest to you. I really want to be with you, not just because I love you but because you would kick ass at surviving an Apocalypse. I just think of how you moved the uhaul trailer with a rock and a piece of wood. And you are really good at building fires. Plus you are crazy strong. Shit. I love you. Will you please come be my hero if the world starts to crumble - even if it is just to attempt to keep me calm? Please? I can cook and gather berries and sew leaves together with straw and the needles from our survival kit.

Enough scary talk. I have to wake up tomorrow for my all-day sit. Six hours of meditation with a break for vegetarian lunch (I am bringing roast vegetable hummus). I can barely sit through my Monday night's 20 minutes. It will be good for me....hopefully I will have an epiphany or leave understanding the purpose of life....I am not holding my breath.

Love,

Wisconsin

And you do realize it is assholish to feed a starving girl false hope, right!!?!?!?!?

Otherwise just shut up. None of this maybe shit.

http://weheartit.com/tag/if%20you%20love%20me

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just decided tonight before yoga I am upset at your email response. What the fuck is "u never know, dot dot dot" supposed to mean??? Honestly. You do realize that I am pathetically still in love with you, right? And you do realize it is assholish to feed a starving girl false hope, right!!?!?!?!?

Honestly I am a fool. Because all day I my broken heart was thinking, "yeah I bet you are changing your mind - maybe we will bet back together!!!". Even the the realistic part of me saw a glimmer of light until I slapped myself straight across the face! "WAKE UP WISCONSIN!!!! You don't love me like that!!!! You broke up with me because you weren't attracted to me. How can you change that problem? I can just hear you saying "anything is possible". I wish you wouldn't even plant the seed of possibility. Because frankly it is kind of malicious. I don't know if you are trying to be intellectual or make some profound life statement. Just don't.

Sometimes I really don't think you get it. You broke my fucking heart. I sublet my apartment to move in with you and as I was packing my bags you told me you aren't attracted to me - you aren't in love with me three weeks before my lease was up. And I AM in love with you. Do you give me false hope to be intellectual, or to keep me on the back burner just in case you change your mind - or because you really are starting to have a change of heart. WHY?

Ok.....deep breath. A little anger. But it's because you hurt me and I just don't want to be hurt more. And I know you - I know you aren't a malicious person, I know you are so full of love and compassion - but could you use a little more - for me? Because my heart is still broken.....maybe not as broken. But you know, I still love you.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

It felt a little good to be mad at you.....since I spend most of my time just missing you.

U never know.....

NOTE: I emailed him part of the post I wrote yesterday - after he emailed me.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I still can't quite bring myself to email you back. What's with that? I want to - I have so much to say and you are my favorite person to say it to. It's just something in me is holding me back. Maybe out of protest which is immature. But it doesn't hurt you to be my friend - why should I have to hurt to be yours?

The thing is I am so sick and tired of you consuming my mind, so much so that I have stopped letting you consume my mind. You still creep in - a lot. Today in yoga I was thinking of you and how you would make the best dad - and how there is this part of me that still believes that we will have those babies someday, which is sooo FUCKED UP!!!! It's that place in my heart that just won't let go, equal parts delusional and hopeful. I just want to be over you.

TO WHICH HE RESPONDED:

u never know.....

Because I am pretty darn loveable:)

I am lucky to be in love with my best friend, just not lucky enough for my best friend to be in love with me. Better luck next time!

(this by the way is Jason Mraz singing with his fiance (and best friend))

Dear Pennsylvania,

I still can't quite bring myself to email you back. What's with that? I want to - I have so much to say and you are my favorite person to say it to. It's just something in me is holding me back. Maybe out of protest (which is immature). But it doesn't hurt you to be my friend - why should I have to hurt to be yours?

The thing is I am so sick and tired of you consuming my mind, so much so that I have stopped letting you consume my mind. You still creep in - a lot. Today in yoga I was thinking of you and how you would make the best dad - and how there is this part of me that still believes that we will have those babies someday, which is sooo FUCKED UP!!!! It's that place in my heart that just won't let go, equal parts delusional and hopeful. I just want to be over you.

WEIRD - I just checked my email and he wrote this 3 minutes ago (as I was writing this):

u ok? did my enthusiastic email piss u off or something? or is something else going on?

I just called him, he didn't answer. He isn't at work - I know this because I saw his gig got cancelled on Facebook (STALKER!!!). Probably for the better. As you can imagine I am now checking my email every 10 seconds to see if he responded. Pathetic.

The thing is I am okay. I really feel okay. I still miss you like crazy....you truly are my best friend. So that part sucks, a lot. But I some nights I don't even think of you. And my days are so consumed with the kids I don't have the time to be sad - and frankly I am not sad every waking minute. I have my moments, most of which are when I call you crying. I still get sick when I think of you with another girl. UGH. I am still madly in love with you, but you aren't in love with me. And that isn't any of our faults, it just is. It's unfortunate because the more distance I get from you the more I realize how important it is to find someone you are best friends with to share your life with.

But I want to find my best friend who I am in love with and who is in love with me back. Because I am pretty darn loveable:) I guess that's not you. Too bad dear. Too bad, because I love you a whole lot.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

Double ex-boyfriend called me tonight. We are playing phone tag. He said he just wanted to chat.....hmmmmmm. Too bad I am in love with you my dear.

Buenas noches mi mejor amigo.

yup.

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I will respond to your email. I just need some time. I will not be calling you. I feel like I am finally getting to a point where I just want to be free of sadness and that means avoiding things I know will make me sad, (ie. calling you). But your email was beautiful. I will respond - eventually, when I have time. But now that Two is home for cyber school too - I have my hands full. Plus tonight Uncle had to work late so I had the kids and then we watched the State of the Union (really loudly). I love you though. You are my dearest friend. And I miss you so.

I must do my eye compress before it gets too cold. Then I get to sleep in fresh white lavender infused sheets! Hooray!

Buenas noches mi mejor amigo. Dulces suenos.

Love always,

Amiga

Can we f-ing talk soon please?

NOTE: I emailed Pennsylvania a boring email regarding logistics about money and phone plan this morning. Here is his response.....I have yet to respond to him. I will say a few things: my heart didn't sink when I read this, I didn't feel sick or get all teary eyed. But I did re-read it quite a bit - and thought about it throughout my busy day. It's quite nice really. I miss my best friend.

right. that's exactly what i had in my head. i figured i would send you another check for $$$$ bucks and then after that we'd be even steven and i could start paying the cell phone bill.

if you are cool with keeping the plan the way it is that's fine with me. i'll look into my banking system, maybe there is a way we can do direct deposit or pay pal or something if that's easier. whatever works. thank you.

as far asmy student goes... pretty weird right? what are the chances of that? that's not the only thing either, syncronicities are beginning to pile. i have felt like this before in my life. things are spiraling in a beautiful way. it's like signs being hled by happy little translucent elves, smiling telling me i am going in the right direction. i have been practicing being grateful everyday. really feeling that shit. one of my yoga teachers was talking about his teacher in class the other day and said "don't think about it, feel about it" i wish someone would hve told me that when i was 9. it's working. u have that shit down. i don't know when you figured that out but you are on to something huge. sainthood. finding that and holding on to it is a truly powerful thing. thank you for reminding me...

can we f-ing talk soon please?

how are u?

your folks?

aunt?

Two?

peace core?

buddah?

I just didn't have the energy to miss you.

I think pink eyes are really scary - even on cute little bunnies.

(funny enough one of my first pets was a bunny just like this - with pink eyes. Her name was Caprice)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I didn't write you last night. Not even on purpose. But I just was too absorbed in myself I guess. I did feel like shit last night. I have a pretty intense case of pink eye. I have been loading up on vitamins and bright eyes. And throughout the day giving myself honey water eye-drops, hot chamomile compresses, milk and honey compresses, salt water compresses and grated potato compresses too! I think that about covers every natural remedy :)

Hopefully I won't wake up with my eyes glued shut again tomorrow.

Busy day despite feeling low energy. Painted Two's room a really pretty rosey-lavender. Set up her new bed with new sheets and fun pillows to match. Got Two all settled into cyber school. Shuffled furniture around One's room (I think he was inspired by his sister's new room!). Then Two and I ran errands tonight and went to Gram's to sew her curtains. I can't wait to hang them tomorrow.

I didn't go to yoga or meditation. I don't want to be around places I could give them my pink eyes. I MISS YOGA! It was cancelled Sunday and now I didn't go today! YIKES! I hope tomorrow my eyes are white - or at least a lighter shade of pink. At the very least I need to get on the mat right here at home.

You texted me again today. This time I responded. A bit coldly though. One word answers. I was at Home Depot buying curtain rods and honestly didn't feel like paying too much attention to you because I just didn't have the energy to miss you.

I am calling it a day.

Love,

Pink Eyes

Let's forget about the love part.

You're g-r-r-r-e-a-t!!!

(it's going to take awhile before I stop comparing every guy to you)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I spent the afternoon and evening with Country Boy. We just sat around and watched movies - went to sushi and then sat around and watched more movies, just like we used to. I like his company - but we can talk about very little because we have majorly opposing value systems and ways of life. But it's nice to watch movies with company.

Honestly hanging out with him just reminded me how much I like you. Let's forget about the love part. I just really like you. I think you are great. And being around you is so easy because we share the same values.

You texted me today and I was talking to Thompson Street Roomie. I decided I wasn't going to text you back today. I know you aren't over-analyzing it - but just in case you were to over-anaylyze it I wanted you to feel like I am moving on. And then maybe THAT will make you suddenly realize what you gave up! HA! I live in a very delusional land.

I have a pretty nasty cold and a pink eye! (not sure it's actually pink eye, but my eye is pink and uncute!).

Hope you are having a great weekend.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

I still haven't figured out what I am going to do with my life.....I'll take your suggestions.

PPS

I found myself wanting so badly to leave Country Boy's apartment and come home and blog. I know it is just basically reads like an on-line journal - but to me these are truly emails to you. I feel closest to you when I write these silly posts. It really has been healing to write to you nightly.

PPPS

NIGHTY NIGHT (as you would say) - nyquil is kicking in! AMEN!

I felt very single tonight.

Single, check the single box please.

Dear Pennsylvania,

Finally no kids! I have had them the past two weeks. I started the night off with yoga - though this was no ordinary yoga class. There were disco lights and hair band music. It was an awesome start to my weekend.

I had my parents house to myself - it's their date night. So I made greens and beans, enjoyed a glass of red and watched "The Kids are Alright". Good movie - dialogue centric as you can imagine. I thought Juilanne Moore was better than Anette Benning - she should have gotten the GG.

I felt very single tonight. Not just because I was eating dinner, drinking wine and watching a movie alone, but because it felt normal. I guess I am good at being single. I don't mind my own company and quiet is nice. Though after all those hair band songs in class I kind of wanted to go out on the town and get my dance on. I miss that about us. I liked to go out once a week and watch you play while enjoying a whiskey and the occasional dance party. I miss that. Of course I don't miss hauling your heavy equipment in and waiting until you got paid at 2am when I was really wishing I was in bed.

I love that you are a musician. It's beautiful. You are passionate and have integrity. You are true to yourself. But it didn't make you easy to date. The weird schedule, the late nights, drama with fellow bandmates.....mostly the weird schedule. I always thought about how it would be hard to have school-aged kids with you because you would be gone working when they were home from school. I guess I don't need to worry about that now.

Enough said.

Love,

Wisconsin

By the way your hair looked puffy.

Now HE could be my next boy-friend. I bet I wouldn't even miss you then.

Scott Speedman - are you single?

(his hands alone are enough to make a girl swoon!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

UGH. I just looked at Guitar Player's facebook and there was a link to a video you were in. I watched like a nano second of it and then it stopped loading. Probably a good thing because I was getting sick looking at your face. By the way your hair looked puffy.

Ugh - I hate that I did that. I hate that the sight of your face and your very existence can take me from contently enjoying my night to suddenly feeling queasy and hollow. I want to get over you, not because I want to be over you (I very much love loving you) but because I don't want to feel so controlled by you. I am sick of being heart broken. Isn't it over yet? Haven't I suffered enough? How much longer????

I suppose it's getting better - day by day. I haven't cried since, Sunday. HA! I cried to you that day, but I think that was much less over you and much more over my general life situation. I can get an email from you and not email you back immediately (sometimes). I can let myself dream of meeting my husband and imagine how he will have all the qualities I love about you, but also be in love with me AND be more financially together (sorry, but it's the truth). He will be insanely funny like you - genius like you - creative and compassionate. Scruffy and silly. And have a jaw-line that puts yours to shame :) He will love to cook together, just like me and you. He will pour me a glass of wine while we are making dinners (you didn't do that). We will travel far and wide. He will let me decorate our apartment (we never did move in together). We will be green just like us. We will volunteer together (this we never did). And mostly we will just laugh and talk 'til the wee hours of the morning because we have so much to say.

I do miss laughing with you. I think you make me laugh harder than any person I know. You are just so dark and twisted and silly. Well, I guess that means my next boy-friend is just going to have to be funnier.

My dear I hope you are well. But I do hope that something reminds you of me and it make YOU queasy and miss me so much your heart literally aches with longing.

Love,

Wisconsin

Must netty and swallow garlic.

http://happythings.tumblr.com/page/4

Dear Pennsylvania,

Nothing new. Well, I did make home-made mac & cheese. My fast is loooooooong gone.

Two awesome yoga classes - still working on breaking in that mat. Have a bit of a cold.

Must netty and swallow garlic.

I think I am slowly getting better....(i.e. getting over you).

Love,

Wisconsin

Pa.The.Tic.

i am pretty much sure you aren't going to email me back or want me back.

i need to "start walking"

(image from http://www.skepticcat.com)

P.S.

You emailed me a website 23 minutes ago. I emailed you back (7 minutes ago). Now pathetically I am waiting (wishing) for you to email me back - to catch your next email to me. Just to just feel like we are connected. That maybe we could email back and forth for a bit. Dear oh dear. The things you do for love. Pa.The.Tic.

The full moon was smiling on us.

Joy!

(dancing bear letter press card by Paper Stone Printing)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am exhausted - but happily so. I have spent far too long tooling around on-line. I am so happy to have broken my fast. I feel warm and cozy and my body is smiling sleepishly (is that a word?) on the inside.

Tuesdays and Fridays are bath day for Three. She sometimes spends all morning happily getting all pruney in the tube. Today I was helping her dry off when she bent down and gave Diego their cat a big hug. Then right in front of me she picked him up turned around and plopped him into the bathtub. The poor cat was wet all the way up to his belly-button (you get the picture). It all happened so fast I couldn't intervene! I love 4 and half year olds. I think she honestly just wanted him to have as much fun as she did. Adorable (and a little naughty too:)).

It's California's brithday today. She and Frog met Two and me at yoga. Frog and Two were in the front row and Cal. and I enjoyed a good laugh watching them figure out the poses - not in a malicious way - but in a "we love them" way. Three helped me make Cal. a chocolate ganache tort with salty caramel sauce. Yum.

After homemade pizza for dinner Three and I went to the grocery store to get ice cream. The full moon was smiling on us. I felt so incredibly joyful singing songs with her in the freezing cold parking lot. Glimpses of joy are all you need to be reminded of how it is to be truly in the moment :)

The salty caramel sauce was so good on that ice cream. Ice cream reminds me of you and me. Coffee (your fave) with the caramel sauce would have been INCREDIBLE. Instead of netflix and ice cream with you - I watched Fraggle Rock with Two and Three. They make for good ice cream buddies. And I think Two is inspired by the wonders of Jim Henson.

I am going to turn in early. I have a cold that I have been fighting off for the past couple of days. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Love, love, love,

Wisconsin

P.S.

I am pretty sure sleepishly is indeed a word even though it is coming up as misspelled. If it isn't it should be.

But wanted so badly to detox you out of my system NOW

Sorry, Master Cleanse, a girl's gotta eat.

See ya in the Spring.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just broke my fast. HAHA! I had the WORST sleep last night because I was FREEZING - and woke up and was FREEZING and was freezing all day yesterday. Wisconsin winter + master cleanse = not good for my body.

I will resume the fast in the Spring when I don't need to be so warm. I am only a smidge disappointed because know this is what is best for my body. I knew I should wait until Spring like the last time I did it (it is just more natural for your body), but wanted so badly to detox you out of my system NOW. Patience has never been my virtue.

Love,

Wisconsin

Maybe it would. But probably it wouldn't.

i sing this song in my head so often - don't roll your eyes, it's totally fitting.

(i like this version.... you have to admit, it's better without the terrible elevator jazz piano bonnie uses)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just wrote you an - but saved it to draft instead. It was all about how I am further understanding myself - about how I have related to men in the past - the role I allowed myself to play and how that affected us. There was much more detail that I don't care to blog about (some things you don't want posted on the internet).

In any case the point is I didn't send it to you. Even if 95% of me wanted to share it with you as my friend - there was 5% of me that wanted to share it with you in hopes you would want me back, in hopes that somehow my new self-understanding would somehow fix us. And you know what? Maybe it would. But probably it wouldn't.

Love,

Wisconsin

P.S.

Maybe my new self-clarity is due to my first day of the master cleanse! One down.....we will see how long I can last.

The love we share might not be the love I wish it was.

nothing.

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

NOTE: I finally received that package from him today. When I opened it - it smelled of him - patchouli and man:) It made my heart ache. I called him because he sent the wrong thing and forgot to send my pan. I ended up crying for an hour to him about my life and missing him. He remains my best friend - the person I most admire and respect. He is wise beyond his years.

Dear Pennsylvania,

The love we share might not be the love I wish it was, but the love we do share is truly profound. You are truly one of my soul mates: someone who shakes you to your core, wakes you up from your own life and helps guide you into further becoming yourself.

I am forever grateful to know you. And so lucky to have you as my friend.

I deeply respect you and love you even more.

Love forever,

Wisconsin

Maybe even a little angry at you for breaking my heart.

well?

Dear Pennsylvania,

Last night after the yin workshop we hit a snowstorm on the way back and didn't get home until almost 2am. I was exhausted and all today was tired too. I don't function well emotionally when I am tired. Needless to say I was missing you today - maybe even a little angry at you for breaking my heart (aka: hurt). I still ask myself why - why can't it be me?

I am going to bed. You should watch The Social Network. It was good.

Love,

Wisconsin

P.S.

And why didn't you respond to my texts or emails? YOU were the one who texted me first....YOU called me and left me the voicemail that made me smile. Don't. I told you not to. I am trying to get over you. I am attempting to move on from you, I can't do that with you in my life. I know you want to be friends. I wish I could be there. But I am not. I am just not.

P.P.S.

I just need sleep and tomorrow I won't be so glum. Good night.

P.S. I had a really good day.

if only.

(found on ffffound.com!!!!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

Far too tired to write. Spend too much time on ffffound.com - it's my on-line heaven.

Love,

Wisconsin

P.S.

I had a really good day.

Don't forget me....

Dear Pennsylvania,

This song makes me all teary eyed......

don't forget me

I beg

I'll remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

Love,

Wisconsin

I am a Pennsylvania addict.

yup, true.

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I have more to say - I just thought that this next stuff was worthy of its own post.

So I was thinking today about why we didn't work. Obviously I know "you aren't attracted to me, you are not in love with me, you have grown less and less attracted to me over time". Yup, that I got down. But why?

Today I was thinking about how independent I am when I am single. I don't mind being single. I seem to function better and have a little more focus than usual. Right now for instance I think about all the things I am doing: yoga, Zen practice, meditation, yoga workshops, trips to Madison etc. But that independence all falls apart when I am in a relationship. Why? Because I want to spend every waking moment with my boy-friend. In one word: pathetic. That is probably a HUGE reason why you weren't attracted to me.

I equate love with time. Plus it really was always my preference to hang out with you. I love you. I guess I always felt like if I didn't make time for us - then you wouldn't. I didn't ever feel like you really wanted to be with me, I guess you didn't. Hence the break-up.

I guess I got addicted to you. I am Pennsylvania addict.

Wanted to say more - but had more fun chatting with P.B. on gchat. Now I am too tired to write.

Love,

Wisco.

"What is going on inside?" - because the body is just a mirror.

Balance is what I am seeking.

(remember when we watched Man on a Wire together? One of my faves!!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

[big sigh]

OK, just got out of two yoga classes. Second one being yin. I asked one of my fellow yogis who happens to be a chiropractor about my posture....because yes, I know it is screwed up. He explained some of it is just anatomical. We got to talking a little bit more and he said something that is so true. He noticed that I am very flexible in yin class - and he said something like, "you are very flexible, but I willing to bet you aren't so strong". EXACTLY. He said down the road it could be to my detriment to be so flexible now - and that it is important to work on strength. BALANCE is the key. Then he asked, "what is going on inside?", because the body is just a mirror.

What is going on inside that is so out of balance? I have been this way for YEARS. Discontent, always searching, living extremes (though you darling, are so much more extreme than me), always trapped in emotion. What is it that is so out of balance? A couple of things come to mind. Fear, anxiety, lack of focus - lack of purpose for that matter. Lack of roots, and I don't mean physically (though I suspect moving every year, sometimes two or even three times a year doesn't help), but not grounded in my own self. Perhaps a lack of self-worth or confidence. Mostly I think it is lack of direction. I can't ever seem to find something other than love that truly makes me tick.

Well, that is not entirely true. You saw how immersed I got when I was designing the costume for Unica. Or my old NYC job - that was consuming - though I was miserable. I absolutely adore my yoga practice. I love baking and cooking. I love the all things natural. I love essential oils (silly but true). I love herbs and holistic health. I love painting even though I don't do it enough. I love style and fashion. I love interior design. But I also hate that I love fashion and interior design because it is material based. I should rephrase that and say I love self-expression:) OH! I love flowers and plants.

I guess what is lost is not a love of life or a passion for something it the lack of decision. How do you choose what to do with your life? I have too many issues. I don't want to work for corporate because it is against my ethics. I don't want to work in design because I don't think working for something material based is helping the world. I could do something holistic.....maybe. But then I also want to be fashionable, which again is against my ethics.

Yoga Teacher told me that it's okay to have contrary beliefs, just accept them. I need to accept my contrary beliefs because I feel like my entire personality is one huge contradiction.

OK - enough about that!

Love,

Wisconsin

I feel like an over-worked, bitter, stay-at-home mom today.

Awww, New York I miss you!

(beautiful photograph by my very own talented brother!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I feel like an over-worked, bitter, stat-at-home mom today. I feel like all I do is clean up messes and deal with attitudes. The kids are wonderful, but not always easy - and they have really, really messy habits. And, yes dear, I know I can be messy. But that was my studio - and studios are supposed to be a mess :) I have so much more appreciation for moms now that I am playing that role. It's tough stuff. It can be really frustrating. I think it would be easier with my own kids because I would have a different rule set and organization plan from the beginning. Still. Really makes you realize that raising kids is really hard. Maybe not little kids, they are fun. But middle-school, that's no picnic. AND furthermore, it would be really hard to be a single parent. So my heart goes out to Uncle and all the single parents out there.

I miss my old life today, more than you. So much so I spent way too much money on wine, cheese and blueberries today. I just need a tasted of my old life. It was hard to find though. I am so used to being able to run across the street and find all my favorite healthy treats at my deli! I was desperately looking for Plugra butter, but had no luck at two grocery stores. Then I had to schlep all the way across town to find lavender. I wish they had a Whole Foods here, then life would feel a little more normal. I miss city living. I miss NYC and Philly too.

I think it is snowing more on the East Coast. I always wish I was with you when it snows. Nothing like being snowed in with your favorite person. I bet you are reading and practicing and thinking and napping. That's what you seem to do best anyway.

I wonder what percent of you wants to get back together? 1% or 16%? I feel like there is a little speckle of you that definitely wants me back - maybe even a medium size mole's worth.

Okay I am going to hit the hay. I took a yoga class tonight that felt more like boot camp. I didn't really like the tone - but I bet I will sleep hard tonight.

Love you,

Wisconsin

PS

I am starting the master cleanse in 5 days! I am excited.....I need a re-set. It will be good for me physically - I have been eating too much dairy since moving here, drinking hormone infested milk, ugh. Gross. Plus I figure it will be good for me emotionally. I can cleanse myself of you :) Good-bye to you Pennsylvania - I will shit you out with my salt-water flush! If only it were that easy.

Now that Shakira is single maybe you can build a house WITH floors with her.

which way?!?!?!

Dear Pennsylvania,

The new mat was slippery! Can you believe it! HAHA! All that waiting for a slippery mat :) I suppose it's only fitting if it symbolizes my life. It is a little slippery right now - but I know I will find my grip...eventually.

I am happy to report I have a new friend. Yoga Teacher picked me up and came to meditation. We had a nice chat on the way home. She is good stuff. I am grateful to have found a community here that I can feel myself around. And it's refreshing to have my own community again - not yours that turned into mine.

I actually called all three of my schools to gather transcripts for the Peace Corps ap. I am one step closer to opening another opportunity for myself. I am focusing on focusing this year. It seems as though I am all talk and no walk. I wish I could find out what my life's dharma actually is. How do you know what to do with your life? I am always all over the place. I just need to somehow focus but also let things happen.

It's just so hard to live in the now when you kind of have to plan for your future - otherwise nothing will happen.

Anyway. Now that Shakira is single maybe you can build a house WITH floors with her. You are both musicians so maybe that will work out for you.

Love,

Wisconsin

It is the color of grape juice.

MY MAT ARRIVED!!!!!!!!! It's beautiful! It is the color of grape juice. Lovely. I can't wait to use it tonight!!!!

I would never want someone to force themselves to love me.

I know you love me - unconditionally forever. It's not the love I want it to be, but it is beautiful nevertheless.

(image from leloveimage.blogspot.com)

A morning email to Pennsylvania - a follow-up to last night's conversation:

Dear Pennsylvania,

Thanks for talking last night. I miss you so much. And I love you even more.

I want you to know I think you made the right choice. You mentioned I am an amazing girl-friend - I would make a wonderful wife, and sometimes you wonder if you are an idiot. You are not. I am an amazing girl-friend and will be a wonderful wife - but those aren't reasons to be with someone. You deserve to be in love with your girl-friend - and especially your wife. You should never settle. I would be so disappointed in you if you did.

Like-wise I want my husband to be madly in love with me. Because that is what I always dreamed of and that is what I deserve. I want that person to be you - but I can't make you love me. And oddly enough I don't think you can make yourself love me.

Appleton always used to tell me "you don't even know what real love is". That always got under my skin. Because it made me think - maybe he's right - maybe I am searching for this thing that doesn't exist. But I knew in my heart it did. There was a part of me who wanted Appleton and I to work. He loved me so unconditionally - so beautifully - so effortlessly. He filled me up so full of love. But I just could never reciprocate. It just wasn't there. And I knew in my gut it would never be. That it would be unfair to the both of us to be together.

I know I always compare our situation to my experience with Appleton. All I know is what I have experienced. It just seems like it's the same situation - only roles reversed. Having experiencing that makes me so much more empathetic to you. I just would never want you to be anyone but yourself - to feel anything other than your truth - even if it means we aren't together. I would never want someone to force themselves to love me.

I wish our story had turned out differently. But I love you just the same.

Love

Wisconsin