Maybe you are afraid you will never be loved like this again.

http://theurbandater.com/dating-relationships/of-course-we-cant-just-be-friends.php

NOTE:

He emailed me this morning. My heart sunk. Delusionally I thought maybe he was going to confess his love for me! HA! Instead it was an email he wrote me about his visit with his dying friend. It was truly beautiful. But he was writing it to his friend Wisconsin. Here is a snippet of his email:

really, i just wanted to say i am really thankful for you. i know this all sucks and everything but i am really grateful for having met you and that you are still my friend. knowing that someone out there loves you is probably the single most important thing in human life. it is the only thing. it is ultimately why we do everything we do. where we find true joy and why we suffer. why we wake up in the morning. all of us trying to find love. whether we know it or not...

This morning was a good wake-up call. I can't be friends with him - not for awhile. So here is my email back to him.

Pennsylvania,

I will always love you.

I will do my best to be your friend, though right now my best probably isn't much of a friend at all. In time it will hopefully get easier for me to be your friend - though it took 4 and half years for me to be friends with Double-ex boyfriend. I think one of the reasons I can be friends with him now is because of you. I have a better understanding of true love and real intimacy. Thank you for that.

But Pennsylvania don't forget, I am still in love with you. I am trying to get over you but sometimes being your "friend" makes that impossible,especially when you say things like "u never know" and send me beautiful, intimate emails about your feelings on life (and dying). Right now sharing those things with me isn't helping me move forward.....it's almost as if you don't want me to. It feels like you are leading me on or giving me just enough hope for you not to lose me entirely just in case you change your mind - maybe because it feels so wonderful to be so loved. Maybe you are afraid you will never be loved like this again. Maybe you really are having a change of heart. Whatever it is, please remember that my heart is broken.

Of course my feelings and healing my broken heart aren't your responsibility, they are only my own. That is why I a writing you this email, despite how painful it is. In a way I am telling you I want you to stop being friends. It feels cold and contradictory to my beliefs on friendship and love. But Pennsylvania, it still hurts. Honestly my heart is still waiting for you to change your mind. But at some point I have to give myself some "tough love" and quit you. Because I still haven't even started my peace corps essays and the reason is you. That's the truth Pennsylvania. I haven't let go.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

I am sorry that I have misled you by calling you or emailing you pictures of Three and expecting you to by my friend. It is because I miss you and love you and do desperately want you in my life. I know it is unfair, that too is why I am writing you this. I always want to be truthful with you.