I wore red lipstick today.

and i teared up at this song - because it reminded me of you.

you did change me for good and maybe we will never meet again, ugh...more tears.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I didn't write you again last night....that's only the second time. Instead I wrote to myself after seeing Black Swan - which was incredibly beautiful to me - I felt so intensely emotional after seeing it. I hope that you see it in the theater. It's very dark.

I guess this whole weekend was just emotional. Friday night there was us talking....me crying. Then Black Swan yesterday. And today I went to Church. Yes, I Wisconsin went to Church - and not even against my will!!! I went to a Universalist Church and found it to be quite a moving experience. When they paused and sat in silent meditation tears just streamed down my face......because I miss you and because I am sad that we don't work, you broke my heart and it still hurts, because Uncle's heart is broken too.....because One and Two have already lost the mother they knew - and Three might never remember her. Because Aunt has lost all feeling in her left side, she gets closer everyday. And there were happy tears too, because I felt like I found a place with like-minded people who share a value system of love, and that in itself would usually bring me to tears. Then out of the blue as the tears were streaming an older woman came to my side and touched my should - and said "are you okay...would you like me to get you some water?", and then she sat next to me the rest of service. I could feel her silent support and kindness. How beautiful.

The tears don't stop at Church. California and I went to see Wicked (while the rest of the country was watching the superbowl). I can never get through a musical without crying. Just to see these people on stage living their dream. You can feel their passion and all the hard work and talent that went into it. It's amazing. I miss being on stage. I miss singing. I miss the smell of the fog and the heat of the lights. I miss losing myself to emotion an an accepted format.

So let's hope the waterworks are done for today.

[sigh] So tomorrow is Monday. I will have to tell Peanut Butter that she needs to get unexcited about us getting back together. I know she is almost as delusional as I am. You really had me fooled the past couple of weeks. I really thought that you were having a change of heart. I guess the only person who can have a change of heart is me - I really have to work on getting over you. But how? I'll take suggestions.

Love

Cari

PS

I wore red lipstick today. Just thought I would share.

PPS

I just added the Wicked video - and there are more tears. Oh god. This sucks Pennsylvania - for me anyway.