So we are talking in an hour. I know you probably aren't anxious like I am about it. Which is pretty telling - maybe just of our personality traits or perhaps how you feel about me.
I feel both worse and better that we talked today. Better that I am not entirely delusional - your tone toward me has shifted - if only because your tone towards life shifted. But I feel foolish that I over-analyzed your emails and truly made something into something that it is not.
So before we talk I thought I would collect my thoughts. I don't know what it is that we are going to talk about. But I know the idea of "re-exploring" our relationship will be one topic. I hate how you are so non-chalent about it. I hate how you say "i always open to talk about anything". I hate how you said you wished I lived closer so we could see each other. I also hate how this is so much harder for me than it is for you. And you know that - you said that. I hate how I already am on the verge of tears just writing. I hate that we both were at yoga at the same time in different states. I hate that you are going to two classes. I hate that you said this is our relationship is the you ever had. Because it is the best relationship I ever had. Of course that doesn't make it right. Still. Sometimes I want to seriously punch your face and shake you so hard. I want to scream at you and throw things at you. I want you to hurt the way I am and have. I hate that in so many ways you still feel like my boy-friend because I love you so much and because I feel your love for me. Because nothing seems to have really changed except the distance between us.
I really live in my head. I live in my delusional romantic head. I really made up quite the story for us. How you were recognizing how much you love me, how things were going to come together for us after all. Foolish. So completely foolish.
I am fearful of talking to you. I am fearful because I don't want my heart broken more. You are very good at speaking blunt truth. You don't add any sugar. I like sugar with my coffee and conversation. Note lies, but sensitivity.
Part of me wonders why we are even going to talk.....what's to say? Will I admit that I looked at flights for you to come visit when I am house sitting California's house later this month? That's probably a terrible idea. But is it? We ended things so fast after being in such a loving, wonderful relationship. I left to help family. I just can't really believe that we are over. I really, truly don't think it even makes sense. Maybe for some practical reasons - but we could work through this together.
Of course the problem still is this whole attraction and love thing. The foolish, romantic part of me wants to believe that you do love me like that but you are scared shitless of a love like this. The Course of Miracles says there are two things in life: love and fear. It makes sense from a psychological point of view you would be guarded in the love department - we've talked about this a million times. Even if that is the case - how long do I give you to realize it? It's at my heart's expense. And you might never realize it because maybe it is just not there.
I am sick of writing. I am sure I will spend much of the phone call in tears. It more than likely will end with me in more heart-ache......which makes me ask why - why open this can of worms?
I should just write my fucking peace corps application and quit you. It would be a lot easier and a lot less heart-ache.
Love sucks.
Love
Wisconsin
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