And now I hate my hair.

This is exactly how I feel.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am having a serious panic attack. My hair....omg my hair. It's ruined. I got it cut and colored tonight - and it looks terrible. The color is okay - a little too stripey and needs some toning adjustments. But the cut is terrible.......omg, I am devastated by this. My hair is my security blanket - and she fucked it up. Now I am going to have to cut it short. I have no patience for this at all whatsoever. Hopefully Bunkmate can fix it next Friday - but I hate to ask her to do it bc I always feel bad because I am poor and can't afford her prices - plus she is in the middle of moving and I know that is really stressful and making a life change. I just don't want to bother her or take advantage of her. I emailed her - I am desperate. I hate asking anyone for favors. But it looks so terrible. It even feels terrible. It looks like two separate hair cuts.

I just wanted to look pretty. Fuck, I am crying about my hair. It's just I wanted to go to NY next week and feel confident and sexy. I never feel pretty anymore. I live in yoga pants and I never do my hair and I am almost 30 and single and live in a basement that makes my eyes stick together at night. I have no single friends here. I feel like I will be alone forever. Their cat is really starting to piss me off. It's been such a long couple of weeks. I just wanted to feel pretty. And now I hate my hair. And the thing is even if I don't feel like I have a pretty face - I always can make my hair pretty. And now it's fucked up.

I am having a break-down about my hair. Obviously it's more than just the hair - but it's a lot about the hair.

I am really sad about this. I feel so shallow - but I really am sad. I am such a girl sometimes. There are people in the world who can't eat or get beaten by their husbands, or kids who lose their mothers and I am crying about my hair. Pathetic.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

At least it's long enough to hide up in a messy pony-tail thing.

Puke, break-downs and a messy house.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I think I need a crush. Crushes are the perfect thing to help you through break-ups. I just want someone to think about that isn't you. I will admit to thinking about double-ex boyfriend. I am sure I will see him next week when I go to NYC. It is so completely wrong but I just want to be wanted. I want double ex-boyfriend to want me. I want him to want me so bad he kisses me. HA! I want to look so cute and I want to get drunk and kiss him back. I have to be careful of course. Because once upon a time I was head over heels in love with him. He could do no wrong - he was most certainly the apple of my eye. That was a long time ago. I was a different person - well I guess you could just say now I am just more of myself, a better self. Over the years I certainly have evolved and have come to reject much of my past indulgences.

I think that is part of the reason I liked you so much - because you nurtured the parts of me that I want to be. We share the same value system - even in an idealistic way. We want to spread love and be kind to the Earth, eat healthy, do yoga, be creative and have fun. Oh and I want to have babies. I hope I find someone someday who shares that value system (and wants babies:))

Double-ex boyfriend is "successful" in all the cliche ways. He's a fancy lawyer now, doing fancy lawyer things like going to UN meetings. He's big time. His life is full of world travels and fun. He likes to go out and be social - he likes weddings. I hate them. He has over 500 "friends" on FB. I hate facebook. He works his ass off and is very imbalanced that way. A life with him would have meant a big fat diamond ring, a town house AND a country house, and every morning we would dance - that part is good, but then I wouldn't see him until like 9pm or later when he finally would get done with work. I don't think life should be that imbalanced. Oh did I mention he is conservative? Ugh - it would never work. But it did work for three years. He was my longest relationship. We grew up together in so many ways and then grew out of each other. I just have to be aware that I am lonely and grieving right now and it would be so easy to catch a rerun.

I am so tired again. (sigh) Another really long day. Puke, break-downs and a messy house. Thank god for yoga......whatever would I do without yoga.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

The good thing is that I have made it to the "i need a crush stage", not fully over the person - in fact still grieving the loss, but far enough along to let the idea of someone else into their mind without feeling sick.

Tonight I don't so much miss you as I just miss someone.

I guess I will just hug myself. Not the same.

(flixya)

Dear Pennsylvania,

(HUGE sigh). What a long day. Between finishing my PC application (YAY I ACTUALLY DID IT!!), the kids, taxes, yoga and running across town to apply for a part time job I am wiped - and I am still recovering from everything.....we all are. I am sure they will be for years to come.

You know what really sucks about being single? I don't have someone to come home to for that everyday support. If I have a bad day - I have a bad day. No one is there to complain to at night. No one is there for hugs and laughs. No backrubs or cuddles or someone who wonders why you are late. It is just me. All my friends are busy with their boy-friends and husbands. Besides you don't call people just to complain about your day. Tonight and most all of last week I just wanted someone who I could break down and cry to. Because it's hard to be by yourself sometimes, especially when times are tough. I know I am learning so much in these last couple of months - especially week. But right now I just want to cuddle, mostly I just want to cry and for someone to tell me it will be alright - even if they have to lie. I wish it was you - but honestly I would settle for my cat at this point. Jesus. Just someone to make me feel like I am not alone. AND YES I KNOW WE ARE ALL ALONE. We were born alone we die alone. I get it. Leave your over-intellectualizing at the door. Because we humans are social creatures....we need love.

Tonight I don't so much miss you as I just miss someone.

I actually can't believe I didn't call you - well I did but you didn't answer. I am so much stronger than I thought I would be. I do wish I could call you to cry to, your advice and wisdom during all this would be wonderful. It's so much sometimes it's hard for me to process all. Sometimes I feel like I have to be stronger than I really am. Or perhaps I am forced to be as strong as I really am - but it's so tiring to use everything you've got. I could use a partner for my heavy lifting.

(another big sigh).

I wonder if I wrote to you that means I am taking a step-forward or back. I think I just want someone to talk to.

Love

Wisconsin

I am scared. I am sad. I am anxious.

singing one of my faves.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I wonder if you watched the Oscars. I wonder if you thought of me - especially during the end when my favorite choir sang! Can you believe it? What an amazing opportunity for those kids. They ALWAYS make me cry.

I wanted to call you so bad today - but I was proud of myself I called so many people instead - no one answered, but I just kept going down the roster.

It's soon - maybe tonight, certainly in the next couple of days. I am scared. I am sad. I am anxious. I have never dealt with death in such a close way. I want to call you because I just want to cry, like I am right now actually (which is good I need a release). It's just so sad. I wonder how the kids will be. I wonder how Uncle will be. I wish California was home, thankfully she will be home Tuesday.

I just wish I could cry in your arms. I never really did that, but now I would like to. I know you are there - it sounds silly but I can feel your support. It's hard because you are still the person that I want to go to for support, but I can't, not without making things harder than they already are. Poo :_) (that means, smiling through the tears).

Love,

Wisconsin

wild hearts can't be broken

I thought I was ready for a romantic comedy all by myself.

I know I have posted this before. But it just feels how I feel.

It hurts instead.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I thought I was ready for a romantic comedy all by myself. I think I was pushing it. I made it all the way through the credits and then there were 15 tears.

1st - Because I miss you.

2nd - Because we never really had a love story - what is a love story without the love?

3rd - Because I want love so badly.

4th - Because I miss you some more.

5th - Because I am afraid it just isn't going to happen for me.

6th - Because I laughed so much when I was with you.

7th - Because I am scared I don't love myself enough to be loved.

8th - Because life happens in unexpected ways.

9th - Because I still love you.

10th - Because you could just be my friend and it wouldn't hurt.

11th - Because the movie ended happy - unexpectedly.

12th - Because I still want to believe in love.

13th - Because I am alone again. And I know that's not bad, just alone.

14th - Because maybe love doesn't really exist.

15th - Because all I really ever wanted was love. And I thought I found that with you.

Love,

Wisconsin

I shaved my legs today.

it was worse. now my heart hurts less.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I shaved my legs today - I took a bath and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have nice legs under all that hair - a little bowed and skinny but they could be worse. Also this week I sent in my Food Corps application. I am finishing my Peace Corps application this weekend. It's almost done. I clearly haven't written you much lately. I think the combination of all these things mean my heart is healing. I am finally moving on. That and the other stuff on my mind (aunt) just seems too private to share.

I still think of you everyday. I still cringe at the thought of you falling love love - it makes me feel sick. I still love you, very much. You are so important to me and I cherish our time together. You gave me so many gifts. I miss you. I am by no means over you. But I have accepted us as over. I no longer think in the back of my head we will get back together. I have let go. I guess that's why I can move forward.

Anyway - I hope you are having a good Friday night. I am at California's again with Quinn Frances. I am going to finish my essays, make an apple cobbler and paint. Should be a relaxing weekend.

Love,

Wisconsin

I want to call you.

Dear Pennsylvania,

It seems silly to write. I want to call you. Only because I could use a friend, and you are the best. I am feeling so sad about Aunt. I can't blog about it because it just is too much, and feels too private to share on-line. The end is near....I can feel it coming.

Love

Wisconsin

Who ever decided girls need to shave their legs?

OMG!!! Look what I found!!!!

Dear Pennsylvania,

I never really realized it until today, but you could spell Pennsylvania Pencilvania. HA! Anywho...just got back from the yoga workshop with Wade. It was fabulous. At first I could not understand the mantra - at all - and had to mumble it. I thought "shit this is going to be a long class". But then like magic I suddenly got it - it is like I knew it all along:

om namah shivaya, om namah shivay bolo

It has been snowing since 11am and continued while we were in yoga for three hours - so driving home was so fun!!! I decided I like driving in snow, AS LONG AS THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ON THE ROAD. I felt like a pioneer. I brought Yoga Teacher home and then went home and insisted that One hop in the car for a ride to see the snowy storm spectacle.

We painted his room today. I could KICK myself 12,000 time because I chose SATIN. I HATE SATIN FINISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SERIOUSLY HATE ANY GLOSS IN PAINT. But I wanted it to be washable because I can just see him gunking up the walls or shaking a soda. But it looks so glossy. I adore the color - it is a dark navy with a green undertone. But seriously I can't stand the gloss. I might pay my own money to get him a new gallon since it drives me so CRAZY. See this is what happens to me when I design. I get crazy. Maybe it is passion, I think it is. So then the passion drives me crazy. And I am a perfectionist so the combination is lethal. That is precisely why I was crazy in NYC. Design + perfectionist + crazy fashion industry job = NUTCASE!

I am not tired. Grrrr. And I watched all the Arrested Developments. How by the way was Freakonomics? I saw you watched that and a classic movie. I know I have said it before but I kind of hate that you go on my netflix account and I can see the movies you watch. Are you going to log in to my account and watch them with your new girl-friend? Ew. A. I hate that and B. I don't think she would like that very much. Unless you of course you tell her our story how you were never in love with me and she will feel better (but still not love the idea entirely).

By the way I am doing an experiment. I haven't shaved my legs since Florida. It's gross but liberating. I will shave them eventually. But I kind of wanted to see what they would look like. Who ever decided girls need to shave their legs? It's unnatural and annoying to keep up with. I am trying so hard to look at my hair legs right now and see them as sexy, but right now they look like skinny man's legs. Not exactly sexy. Anyway I just read an article I read on women shaving their legs....I should read more. Maybe I will bring back the hair leg! HA!

Hope you had a happy day.

Love

Wisconsin

I believe in love, despite all the heart-ache.

Am I?

http://tothepersoninthebelljar.tumblr.com

Dear Pennsylvania,

Well I did it. I went an entire night and day all by myself with no break-downs. I admit I was a little nervous going into this weekend. A lot of alone time could equal a lot of time to miss you. But nope. I was super busy re-designing the other blog. I downloaded a free 30-day trial of photoshop. It got me thinking about how you never got me photoshop even though you said you would. Well, okay so you tried and you got me half way there, but it never worked. But I wish you would have followed up with your computer guy - not only because I really want it, but because I always did so much for you. You think you would have wanted to help me out. But again, you weren't in love with me so I guess it wasn't a priority. I get it. You aren't in love with me.

I did break my "alone fast" tonight and went out with Ten and Conservative. HA! As you know, he is so conservative. We always get in arguments. Tonight we were chatting about the whole teacher union situation here and the democrats in hiding. At a certain point I had to stop and just say we have to agree to disagree. It's amazing how opposite people can think. Anyway, it was fun though to catch up with them. They seem really happy and settled into each other.

Someday maybe I will find someone to settle into. I thought it would be you - though in my gut I guess I knew. I denied it, but something was always off, I could always tell you weren't in love with me. I was just so in love and foolishly hopeful. Plus we did have the best time together....even you will admit that.

In some ways being single again is exciting. I am after all a hopeless romantic. I can day dream about how I am going to meet the man of my dreams. I get to fall in love again (hopefully). This time it better be mutual:) Do you think I am damaged goods? Why hasn't it happened for me yet? And now I am no spring chicken and there is a tiny part of me that thinks maybe something is really wrong with me - or maybe it just won't happen for me. Most of my friends are engaged or married and ultra-sound pictures keep popping up on facebook. (big sigh) I have faith. It will happen. I believe in love, despite all the heart-ache.

It's supposed to snow a bunch here tomorrow I hope I can make the trip home. Yikes, I hate driving in normal conditions. I really want to get home for this yoga workshop with Wade Morissette. Plus the kids have "off" on Monday and we were going to re-do One's bedroom. I am looking forward to it.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

Much love,

Wisconsin

I love quiet nights in my underwear.

I am releasing you from my heart, slowly everyday.

Fly away Pennsylvania....fly away.

http://tothepersoninthebelljar.tumblr.com/page/24

Dear Pennsylvania,

(sigh) So here I am all alone at California's house, well actually I am not alone. I am here with her two cats, Zoe and Jacque Pierre as well as my own little darling, Quinn Frances. I decided that Q.F. should come along. She meowed a bit in the car....reminded me of our 17 hour drive to PA. Poor kitty. She has done so much traveling in her time on Earth. She is a sweet thing (so long as you don't bother her).

It's been so nice to have some alone time. I made beans and greens and drank too much red wine. I took a bath and then did calligraphy in my underwear. I love quiet nights in my underwear. Friday nights in Booklyn were simple like this too. Just me and some sort of art project.

You are not having a quiet night. You are at Ringers tonight playing with your best friend. I am sure you sound lovely. Lately I hear your best friend when I listen to Neil Young. They both are so incredibly talented. I wonder if you would be my friend if you were famous.

Anyways. I miss you tonight. But not too bad. I think I just miss having someone there.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

I am slowly letting you go.

Listening to Pandora and heard this.....

Found it to be fitting.

So tired.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I don't have much to say. Maybe less is more. I don't know.

Love,

Wisconsin

I think that is one of your flaws - you can be lazy.

Ok, so you aren't this lazy.

At least you are reading and thinking about life!

(this sick thing is so many kids across America live like this!!!!)

Dear Pennsylvania,

Not to beat a dead horse but NOT talking to you is sooooo much easier.

I was thinking today in yoga how I think you are lazy. You sit around a lot thinking. You plenty of naps and read a lot. This is part of the reason why I like you so much - all that thinking. But I think you should get out and live more. Do more. I don't want too much like a Westerner - because I do believe in slowing things down and really thinking and contemplating all that is life. But I also don't want to miss out on life. It feels good to be productive and then be truly tired at the end of the day. I was lazier when I was with you - we were lazy together. I like it, but I wish we would have done more....like go to all the different Churches, Temples etc. and taken weekend hiking trips.

Anyway - I just thought I would share. I think that is one of your flaws - you can be lazy.

(honestly I feel like deleting that right now because I hate being mean).

I want to write to you less, I think that's a good sign. I am going to be at California's this weekend house-sitting alone, so we will see how I do with all that time to think. I am looking forward to it. A bath with oils, coffee and sunshine (hopefully) in the morning. I am going to re-design my other blog's logo - I am going to get a bottle of red and eat chocolate. Maybe go for a run and do yoga of course. I am very much looking forward to it.

Love

Wisconsin

It's tough, but real.

ffffound.com

Dear Pennsylvania,

So tired. Went to see Aunt again with my Mom and Gram. She was sleeping. She looked incredibly beautiful. I think the end is near. I am just hoping she lasts past One's birthday next Tuesday. I am going with California to see her again tomorrow - Cal doesn't want to go alone, neither did my Mom. It's tough, but real. Life is death.

Anyway - up finding blog images for tomorrows rainbow kitchen post. So fun! I really just need to admit that I love interior design and accept it as okay...and maybe just do that with happiness. I will figure it out, eventually.

Lots of love,

Wisconsin

I just want to love. Fall in love. Give love. And live love.

Huge smile to these Beatles in sandwich boards.

Yes, I agree boys, all you need is love.

http://history2.absoluteelsewhere.net/June/june24.html

Dear Pennsylvania,

Well, my dear, Happy Valentines Day to you. I know it doesn't mean anything to you - if anything it repulses you. But still, I hope it was full of love.

It was warmer here than it has been. The day was sunny and hopeful. The kids and I took a lunchtime walk. Three was so happy to splash in puddles - I was just so happy to be outside without feeling miserably cold. One and Two benefited from the fresh air too.

I made that cheesecake - so incredibly rich, you only need a bite! The nachos were delish complete with homemade nacho sauce (cheddar, milk, sour cream, jalapeno and garlic - yummmmm!).

I stopped at Gram's house to bring her some of the cheesecake and a Valentine between yoga and meditation. It's her first Valentines Day without Gramps. I think about how much I miss you and we were only together a year....my heart breaks to think of her broken heart after more than 50 years of marriage. She misses him, but she is so strong.

Shimmer and Spice sent me a sweet Valentine. And so did double ex boyfriend, which was unexpected and sweet:

dear wisconsin - I hope you have a most fabulous valentine's day. I know how much you love love, and I hope you have a chance to celebrate that today. happy valentine's day.

love

double ex boyfriend

It's funny because Shimmer and Spice mentioned how much I love love too :) I do. I really do just love love. All sorts. Romantic and otherwise. Love is good. Love is my life's crusade. I just want to love. Fall in love. Give love. And live love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love,

Wisconsin

I miss the smell of your armpits.

I hope someday I get over you. Unfortunately I am not there yet.

http://tothepersoninthebelljar.tumblr.com/page/24

Dear Pennsylvania,

I really need de-friend Guitar Player's girl-friend. I couldn't help but look at the "valentine's day party" pictures. Honestly it looked kind of lame. And the curtains are hideous. Sorry. I can't stand that you wear that scarf all the time - and you are wearing it WITH the wool suit coat I picked out for you?! Since when do you accessorize? Are you metro now?

I am so relieved that we haven't talked. It makes things so much easier for me. Of course I still think you are the most handsome thing on the planet and I miss the smell of your armpits. Ugh. I wish you would gain 50 pounds because you are turning to food to fill the void I left behind. Then maybe I could get over you.

I am thinking about going to New York in March to visit Thompson Street room and co. C&E will have their new baby by then too. I would definitely want Peanut Butter and Shimmer and Spice to come out too. But I don't think I would tell you I was on your side of the country. Not unless I suddenly have Lady Gaga's abs, dye my hair blonde and feel sexier than you.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. Last year I got you that plant and you got me nothing. Shocking. You never did anything sweet and romantic for me. BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T IN LOVE WITH ME.....how can I forget? My best Valentine's Day ever was when Double-ex boyfriend flew in and surprised me just for the night! That was so romantic. He was really romantic. Note to self: my next boy-friend will be romantic. But who needs a boy-friend? I got chocolates and cheesey heart pencils for the kids. We are going to make a chocolate-peanut butter cheesecake and have nachos for dinner.

I saw Aunt today for the first time in a long time. It's so hard and uncomfortable. Her entire left side is lifeless. She is shrinking and drinks from a sippy cup like a child. The poor kids held a straw to her dry lips as she just laid there. She can barely talk, think or swallow. Yet she is so beautiful lying there in bed while the cancer is eating away at her body. At Church today (yes I went again to the Unitarian church) they talked about what happens after you die. I hope whatever happens releases Aunt from all her suffering.

Well (sigh).

I hope you had a good weekend. And I hope you DON'T have a Valentine. Because that would make me very, very sad.

Love,

Wisconsin

I have always been a cold turkey kind of a girl anyway.

Someday I want you to fall in love, but will you wait for me to go first?

http://tothepersoninthebelljar.tumblr.com

Dear Pennsylvania,

Well the weekend is here. I am adjusting to the idea of truly letting you go. It's much easier not talking - not sending emails back and forth. I have always been a cold turkey kind of a girl anyway. Tomorrow I am going to a coffee house and writing essays for the Peace Corps and the Food Corps. I don't know if I will actually do any of them. We will see. But in any case I want to open doors.

I should probably also do some research on green design firms and flower shops. I am thinking that a move to the West Coast would do me some good for awhile. Try that side of the country for a bit. I wish that it was warmer here with a bit more diversity. I like being close to my family. I love the three kids so much. It will be hard to move, if and when I move.

I hope I really do find love someday. I hope he is a lot like you. I hope he has the same value system and I hope we live a beautiful, unconventional life together. I need to find an intellectual-hippy.

Anyway, I am going to watch Arrested Development now.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend. And I hope that you are happy. I mean that. I think this is the way it should be. You and me - I guess we aren't meant for each other. It hurts me to say it....a lot (sigh). But I love you enough to want you be be in love, even if it isn't me.....wait awhile please.

Love,

Wisconsin

PS

I still wish it was me.

Tweens are difficult creatures to deal with.

Isn't this beautiful? I miss sharing things like this with you.

This is frost on our front door.....Mother Nature=best designer ever :)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I haven't felt much like writing you lately. I guess I am trying to distance myself. After we were "re-exploring" and then quickly decided against that I just feel like I have to step away.

I am wearing your sweat-pants and your shirt. It doesn't make me sad. They are just remnants of my old life at this point. My old life seems so distant from my current one. Tweens are difficult creatures to deal with. I have One who was thoroughly pissed off when I took his ipod away for being disrespectful and not doing the proper work on his social studies test.....he threw books around aggressively and made bratty comments about how terrible I was. So I made him go to Gram's to help her clean with me tonight(in addition the ipod being taken away) - mostly because I don't trust him in the house alone when I am gone. Two told me he spit on my toilet seat and that "he hates me". Ugh. And then I have Two who was not doing her best today - which is a rule with me, "always do your best". She was in tears when I was talking to her about guessing on her assignments AND math test instead of taking the time to do with the work. And then there is the non-tween, Three who won't eat anything healthy.....yesterday I felt like I was going to be charged with cruel and unusual punishment by making her eat four and half bites of spinach. Yikes. I am going to need to learn to start hiding those vegetables - I never thought I would need to stoop to that level.

Being a "parent" is not easy. Of course it is fun and rewarding. But very, very challenging. Some days I think I am a saint but most days I think I need kid lessons :)

After our day of homework and melt-downs, Two and I went to yoga and then we helped my Gram clean her "little boy's room", which is gross. Years of dust and who knows what piled up everywhere.

I have noticed I spend most of my time helping people - it used to be you, now it is my family. And I can't tell if that me making other people's problems mine because:

a. I am just avoiding figuring out my own life and what it is that I want to do with it, or

b. Helping people is what makes me happiest and that is okay.

c. a and b :)

In any case despite all the meltdowns I feel great typing you. As hard as it can be here, I am really happy to help.

Love

Wisconsin

I feel like I am coming down with a cold on top of a cold.....

I can see the cold from here.....

I am hoping I can veer around it!

(image from NYT Travel section)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I feel like I am coming down with a cold on top of a cold.....is that possible? I am still wearing my glasses - everyday, it's been almost three weeks. And tonight between classes I got double stuffed up and now I feel like I have a sore throat. Eeeek! I just want to be healthy. I am taking my vitamins, sleeping, still doing my eye compress and wash, drinking water, taking garlic, going to yoga. I don't know what else I can do!

Ugh. In any case. I got to watch Glee tonight - Valentines Day episode! I hearted it!

Must sleep, now.

Love

Wisconsin

Rejection is hard to swallow.

(by you)

Dear Pennsylvania,

In yoga I thought about the time in the park - you were in the creek you were running on the rocks, so quickly, never falling (or even getting a toe wet), perfectly finding your way to the next crooked rock without any hesitation. I always admired your dexterity and athleticism. Maybe if I had any of that in me I wouldn't be writing you from Wisconsin. I can't help be think what it is about me that makes you not attracted to me.

I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe it is just a chemical thing - still knocks down my ego quite a few notches. Rejection is hard to swallow.

Peanut Butter sent me this really cool FoodCorps thing today. I am going to apply. Additionally if I am going to apply to the Peace Corps I have to get my application in by April 1st. Today I as I was blogging (not this blog - my design blog) I was thinking about how much I love design. I just can't ever decide what to do with my life. On one hand I love design....but it feels so shallow. I know I need to do something creative. I would love to do something to help the world - that is why I am applying to the P.C. I have thought about Art Therapy. But something holds me back from that. I have thought about eco-friendly interior design - still how eco-friendly can it be? Of course then there is the side of me that would love to be a yoga teacher - to travel the world - I would love to have my own little yoga/healing center/art center. HA! Clearly I am alllllll-over-the-place.

How can you find focus? I love so much. I hate to pick just one thing to be! I want my life to be fulfilling. I want it to be creative. I want it to be healthy full of healthy food.

I don't know. Can't someone tell me what to do? I am 18 years old all over again.

Love

Wisconsin

I wish you were stupid.

getting over you is hard work.

i am tired.

(http://preacherontheplaza.wordpress.com/)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I actually skipped meditation tonight. I am wiped. Just watched "the parking lot movie" - loved it and found myself oddly attracted to almost all the parking lot attendants. most of them were grad students or artists of some kind, sharing their life philosophies. nothing sexier than intelligent, free-thinkers. i wish you were stupid; you'd be easier to get over.

I have a headache - I think it's a symptom of my broken heart. It's not easy getting over you.

Love,

Wisconsin.

I wore red lipstick today.

and i teared up at this song - because it reminded me of you.

you did change me for good and maybe we will never meet again, ugh...more tears.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I didn't write you again last night....that's only the second time. Instead I wrote to myself after seeing Black Swan - which was incredibly beautiful to me - I felt so intensely emotional after seeing it. I hope that you see it in the theater. It's very dark.

I guess this whole weekend was just emotional. Friday night there was us talking....me crying. Then Black Swan yesterday. And today I went to Church. Yes, I Wisconsin went to Church - and not even against my will!!! I went to a Universalist Church and found it to be quite a moving experience. When they paused and sat in silent meditation tears just streamed down my face......because I miss you and because I am sad that we don't work, you broke my heart and it still hurts, because Uncle's heart is broken too.....because One and Two have already lost the mother they knew - and Three might never remember her. Because Aunt has lost all feeling in her left side, she gets closer everyday. And there were happy tears too, because I felt like I found a place with like-minded people who share a value system of love, and that in itself would usually bring me to tears. Then out of the blue as the tears were streaming an older woman came to my side and touched my should - and said "are you okay...would you like me to get you some water?", and then she sat next to me the rest of service. I could feel her silent support and kindness. How beautiful.

The tears don't stop at Church. California and I went to see Wicked (while the rest of the country was watching the superbowl). I can never get through a musical without crying. Just to see these people on stage living their dream. You can feel their passion and all the hard work and talent that went into it. It's amazing. I miss being on stage. I miss singing. I miss the smell of the fog and the heat of the lights. I miss losing myself to emotion an an accepted format.

So let's hope the waterworks are done for today.

[sigh] So tomorrow is Monday. I will have to tell Peanut Butter that she needs to get unexcited about us getting back together. I know she is almost as delusional as I am. You really had me fooled the past couple of weeks. I really thought that you were having a change of heart. I guess the only person who can have a change of heart is me - I really have to work on getting over you. But how? I'll take suggestions.

Love

Cari

PS

I wore red lipstick today. Just thought I would share.

PPS

I just added the Wicked video - and there are more tears. Oh god. This sucks Pennsylvania - for me anyway.

I still love you even though you make me cry.

Right back where I started. Nothing has changed.

Here is the link to my first post....see for yourself:

http://ileftmyheartinpennsylvania.blogspot.com/2010/12/read-this-first-my-story.html

(this image from: http://fromme-toyou.tumblr.com/post/2797938831/statuesque)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am exhausted. Nothing has changed. You aren't in love with me. And you aren't sure what you are looking for in a relationship - in a marriage. You aren't attracted to me - and how could we even explore that with 1,000 miles between us? How could we explore that without putting me heart and self worth on the line? We can't. So we aren't.

I am strong enough to walk away. Not without tears. We talked for 2 and half hours and despite the same conclusion I still enjoyed our conversation, I still would rather cry to you than anyone else. You still make me laugh - we are still the best of friends. I suppose that is why all of this is so hard. I suppose that is why both of us can't fully let go. Because what we do share is really amazing.

But I can't wait around for you to figure yourself out - not at the expense of my self-worth.

I still love you even though you make me cry.

Love,

Wiscosin

Fly around in your pretentious capes and instead of saving the world you can just talk about it.

really, really high.

the emotional vomit on this blog just got a whole lot messier.

I don't want to greet you. Around noon I just became really angry at you and extremely anxious. I had to lie down with my legs up the wall and practice my deep breathing. You piss me off. You get under my skin. Sometimes you are just a pompous ass. I don't even want to be with someone so truly disinterested in relating - instead just spewing shit out of your mouth about your life philosophies. Instead of being real you live in this intellectual fantasy land as if you are Freud himself casting your philosophies on all around you - almost as if you aren't even human. You are fucking human. Sometimes I feel like you are just acting. You are so very far removed from your real emotions that the real Pennsylvania barely exists. It's sad really. And I mean that, because you are missing out on joy. You are missing out on love. You are missing out on life. By over intellectualizing EVERYTHING you are living in your head. You aren't even present. You say I am one of the happiest people you ever met. Well, then learn something from me.

See a fucking therapist. Deal with your shit. You such an asshole sometimes. And everything revolves around your quest for self-actualization. It's all about you....you....you. It's all about you questioning yourself and getting "destroyed" and learning even more about yourself. And yet - look at you? For someone who talks so highly of self-actualization I don't see you much different than most people - much more successful or certainly not someone who is contributing to society in a way that makes me think, "damn maybe his philosophies on life are right". You aren't truly living your value system. You are a liar. You drive around a car making waste. You spend your time reading books and practicing - doing things for yourself when I thought you believed so much in community. You are a self-obsessed artist. If life is about LOVE - then maybe start loving - someone other than yourself. Volunteer. Do something big with your intelligence. Help the world. Love bigger. Reach higher. Do more.

Honestly. The past couple of days have been a whirlwind for me emotionally. Opening that door with you - talking again about us just makes me realize how much we don't work. How you aren't really interested in anyone but yourself. How I am looking for someone genuinely interested in me, in us, in joy - genuinely interested in making the world a brighter place - not just in theory.

I want my life to be about love - giving as much love as possible. Loving myself and then spreading that love. It seems to me you want your life to be about yourself. Your music, your yoga, your philosophies - all you. Even your relationships seem to be about YOU. I just can't stand this side of you. It repulses me. It makes me so angry because you are a waste of potential. You disappoint me. I thought you were better than this.

Funny that my therapist emailed me today....said he was thinking about me wondering how I was doing. I told him about how we broke up and how I am back in Wisconsin. I wish you would go to him. I think he could actually challenge you since you said "most people can't give me any insight that i don't already know about myself". Your shit stinks Pennsylvania. Get a clue.

I have never ever been so disgusted or angry with you as I am today. And what makes me more sick is that if you would read this you would laugh.....because "nothing can hurt you". You are a superman. Maybe I am just not superwoman enough for you. Go find some enlightened guru and you can be gods together - fly around in your pretentious capes and instead of saving the world you can just talk about it.

Today I can't even believe I ever loved you. The nicest thing you did for me was drive me home so I could be done with you.

I know these words and thoughts are not loving. I love you dear. But today I don't know why.

The dictionary says:

pa·tience

   [pey-shuhns] Show IPA

–noun

1.

the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation,annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss oftemper, irritation, or the like.

2.

an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness orannoyance when confronted with delay: to have patiencewith a slow learner.

3.

quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence:to work with patience.

4.

Cards (chiefly British ) . solitaire ( def. 1 ) .

5.

Also called patience dock . a European dock, Rumexpatientia, of the buckwheat family, whose leaves are oftenused as a vegetable.

6.

Obsolete . leave; permission; sufference.