Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Puke, break-downs and a messy house.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I think I need a crush. Crushes are the perfect thing to help you through break-ups. I just want someone to think about that isn't you. I will admit to thinking about double-ex boyfriend. I am sure I will see him next week when I go to NYC. It is so completely wrong but I just want to be wanted. I want double ex-boyfriend to want me. I want him to want me so bad he kisses me. HA! I want to look so cute and I want to get drunk and kiss him back. I have to be careful of course. Because once upon a time I was head over heels in love with him. He could do no wrong - he was most certainly the apple of my eye. That was a long time ago. I was a different person - well I guess you could just say now I am just more of myself, a better self. Over the years I certainly have evolved and have come to reject much of my past indulgences.

I think that is part of the reason I liked you so much - because you nurtured the parts of me that I want to be. We share the same value system - even in an idealistic way. We want to spread love and be kind to the Earth, eat healthy, do yoga, be creative and have fun. Oh and I want to have babies. I hope I find someone someday who shares that value system (and wants babies:))

Double-ex boyfriend is "successful" in all the cliche ways. He's a fancy lawyer now, doing fancy lawyer things like going to UN meetings. He's big time. His life is full of world travels and fun. He likes to go out and be social - he likes weddings. I hate them. He has over 500 "friends" on FB. I hate facebook. He works his ass off and is very imbalanced that way. A life with him would have meant a big fat diamond ring, a town house AND a country house, and every morning we would dance - that part is good, but then I wouldn't see him until like 9pm or later when he finally would get done with work. I don't think life should be that imbalanced. Oh did I mention he is conservative? Ugh - it would never work. But it did work for three years. He was my longest relationship. We grew up together in so many ways and then grew out of each other. I just have to be aware that I am lonely and grieving right now and it would be so easy to catch a rerun.

I am so tired again. (sigh) Another really long day. Puke, break-downs and a messy house. Thank god for yoga......whatever would I do without yoga.

Love
Wisconsin

PS
The good thing is that I have made it to the "i need a crush stage", not fully over the person - in fact still grieving the loss, but far enough along to let the idea of someone else into their mind without feeling sick.

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