I am better at snowmen anyway.

the cutest snowman in the neighborhood! we squirted grape-juice on for rosy cheeks:)

NOTE: I am en route to Florida. I didn't get the job. He was the first one I told via text.

W: Didn’t get it...feel both relief and sadness. they are looking for more management. think i would be better in in windows...will be in touch if opportunities come up.

P: Poo. Oh well it was good to get your wheels turning at least. Lemme know what’s happening

W: In car listenining to “dreams from my father” written by and narrated by barack obama. it’s amazing you should get it and listen. wish you were coming to fl! xoxox

P: I know me too. F the cold. I’m jealous. I totally wish I was coming too. Can’t I still come? Would your parents think that is weird?

W: Yes, lol. Besides I would be sad.

P: You would get over it quickly and we would have fun!

W: You aren’t that easy to get over.

W: I am not going to tell them I didn’t get it.

P:Why?

W:I just can’t. as it is i feel like I am struggling in their eyes and in some ways i am

P: Aren’t they gonna ask u what happened?

W: Yeah I will tell them eventually after I make peace with it.

P: Just get another cool job in SF then it won’t matter.

W: It just would have been so easy. and more than anything a path.

P: What the SF job? Others will come along. You’re obviously hight qualified or they wouldn’t have wasted their time.

W: Maybe. But I have been applying to jobs like that since I lost my job and that was the first real bite. I am better at snowmen

anyway.

P: You should start a snowman business! $100 a snowman.

W: Lol, too bad I hate the cold

P: You could make fake ones in SF

W: Why does not getting the job make me miss you more?

P: Because you know that if you got that job I would move to SF and squelch of you.

W: I just want to cry and be alone and call someone instead i am suck with my parents in the car.

P: At least they’re listening to Barack....it could be so much worse

W: I would be your sugar mama. I do miss you so much. everyday.

P: I miss you too. Hurry up and get a job so you can support me!

W: Will money change my pheremones?

W: Double ex boyfriend wants me to help him furnish his apt. guess his budget?

P:10,000

W: 12k! Can you believe that? shit!

P: He wants to get back together for sure. Him asking you do that is like asking you to measure his dick.

W: Maybe. I think he is open to exploring that. I am still his fave person.

P: Of course you are! Ha! That will mean I dated a supreme court justice’s wife. I like that.

W: I didn’t say I was open to it!!!!

P:Oh but you are....even I know u are. Even if you don’t think u are u are.

W: He is more complicated to date than you are dear.

P: That even though that he isn’t on your radar screen right now because our relationship is in such close proximity he is however still on the map/

W: What does that mean!

W: I am still in love with you dear.

P:I didn’t say you were going to rekindle just that it is obviously something you both would consider. Considering he’s never loved anyone else and are you in the state you are in...

W: Well I understand my vunerability right now and know any feelings I have toward him are merely circumstancial. And he doesn’t want to be a supreme court justice. He wants to move back to chi town or madison. his family would drive me crazy. and i don’t see him as the guy i fell for just the ex. I am broken hearted. it would be wrong of me to pursue him. it would be plugging someone into your still warm spot. obviously the idea seems inviting. he is a really amazing person. and the financial security would be nice....which is so fucked up to say!!!!

P: Not fucked up. That the truth. That’s the reality we live in. Time will tell....

W: The thing is I would rather be poor and be with you

P: I do love u and not foolishly....I think about it everyday. Time will tell.....

W: U mean maybe u will love me??!! (just kidding...but foolishly hopeful)

W: As time passes my feelings for you become more lucid.....genuine love and respect. you are the best, best friend I have ever had. i think you are incredible. and whoever gets to spend their life with you is lucky.....and now I am getting all teary

P: We are the best of friends. I am lucky that Larry brought us together.

W: Lol! THANK YOU LARRY! I owe him a thank you card.

P: I’ll send him a photoshopped pregnant me Christmas thank u

W: I am sure he will love that. can i at least be an angel hovering above?

P: I guess.

W: “i guess” well gee wiz! thanks for including your best friend. your kid will be a basterd anyway

P: Maybe an evil dead Christmas slave angel of darkness.

W: Ok!! as long as i get to wear a cute xmas outfit

P: Of course. It would be a sexy dark angel.

W: Ok I can do that. I want to wear my red mermaid wig.

P: Getting ready for class dark angel. Text me later and I’ll distract you again from ur parents. Bye bye.

W: Have fun dear.

I reverted back to about the 8th grade and blew up at my mom

Dear Pennsylvania,

I leave tomorrow for Florida at 7am. Two, straight 12 hours days with my parents in the car. Oh joy. I wish it was you and me who were flying there instead.

I had a break-down when I got to my parents house tonight. I reverted back to about the 8th grade and blew up at my mom. I just haven't had a lot of time to really process everything - especially the living situation. It's just so incredibly sad at times. This morning I woke up and Uncle had written each of his kids a note - regarding their mother. Here is a snippet from Two's:

".......please know that we have many memories to remember about her wonderful, funny and beautiful your mom was. In my mind she still is that way. I hope we can talk, sing and laugh about all the fun times we have had. I am always open to talk, think or just sit......"

Jesus. What a way to start the day. Two told me last night that One hates me. I make him do his homework all day, so I suppose it isn't a surprise. Still, I can't help but be a little hurt. Of course I know that I shouldn't take it personally. He is a kid, losing his mother - he probably resents me or is misdirecting his anger on me. Maybe he is just a 12 year old boy who doesn't want to be told to do his homework - or take out the cat litter - or do the dishes. Plus even I know I can be annoying.

I just hope that my time with them is helping, not hurting.

I had the 2nd job interview today. I think it went well. I keep going back and forth on what to do if I would get the offer. I am leaning in that direction - but then again I think about the "corporate" environment and I cringe. I am kind of against corporate America. I kind of hate it. I mean they could never know about this blog. I feel like you always have to hide who you really are. And I don't like that. That is why I would much rather be a yoga teacher. Of course the problem is in order to be a yoga teacher I need to first have money. And this job would provide that for me. And help me save some money so I won't have to be the struggling artist type. That would be nice. So maybe for a year or two I take the job (if I get it). Try out a new city. Maybe you will change your mind and be my roomie :) JUST KIDDING! I am not that delusional.

Alright - I should sleep. Early morning in the car....all day. Ugh.

I love you.

Love

Wisconsin

Thank you for not telling me anything about your life

NOTE: I did talk to Pennsylvania regarding my moral dilemma with the possibility of leaving the family to pursue a job in SF

Dear Pennsylvania,

It's barely 10pm and I am exhausted. As you know I got a 2nd interview today with the SF company. Thank you for talking to me about it and thank you for not telling me anything about your life :) I really do appreciate and truly respect your opinions and advice.

I would love life in San Francisco. I wish you could come be my roomie. Although I do also love the idea of decorating an entire new studio apartment. I could walk home from work and open the door to my own cute apartment. Then I would go to yoga. I would compost and have all my plants (plus more) throughout my entire little space. There would be wonderful lighting. I would meet great new West Coast friends at work and mostly at yoga. I would eat healthy and be healthy. It would be so wonderful. Plus I would always look cute. And like you said if I lived cheaply (unlike my New York years) I could actually save money - and then in a couple of years travel the world, or actually have money to learn to teach yoga in India. OR buy my own little place someday, somewhere. Maybe all of the above!

Of course I haven't even been offered anything. And in some ways it would be better for me to stay here with my family. I know they could really use the help. I know I am really making a difference - even if One hates me sometimes.

Early bed-time again. One of the great perks of not being with you.

Love always,

Wisconsin

I want to move back to college.

I heart you college!!! Maybe YOU were the greatest love of my life!

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am all tucked in bed after what was one of the most fun weekends I have had in months. I want to move back to college. It was so refreshing to hang out with MY friends from MY old life, when for the past year I have mostly been hanging out with your friends, some of which I have now claimed as mine:) Thank you for them!

When I got back home I felt really depressed, I went straight to Panera for a salad to avoid all family members. I needed space to be sad. I miss my old life. I miss New York - but mostly just the people in it. I wish I could collect all my favorite people from all over and plunk them some place wonderful where we could all reside.

I also am feeling very weird about seeing the double ex boy-friend. Of course I am looking for meaning behind it. Why has he re-entered my life now? Can you really truly be just friends with an ex - especially when you are both single? What is he looking for - what if we are looking for different things of have different expectations? Would I ever consider giving it another shot with him - am I even attracted to him? Clearly now is NOT the time, because my heart is still with you.

But he is an amazing person. He is interesting, has travelled the world, is kind and fun and exceedingly brilliant - almost too smart for his own good. Plus I can talk loud and he doesn't care. But I don't know that our value system lines up. I don't know him as an adult. I know him as a drunk, wild college student - I know him as the crazed NYU law student. But I don't know him now. Apparently he learned how to surf - what?!?!? He doesn't know me either. It would be so complicated. As you know, I always over-anazlye EVERYTHING. And I am feeling pathetic for even thinking these things. It's just what I am thinking, so I thought I would share.

If nothing else this weekend was so incredibly healing. I feel like I finally have some closure, 4 1/2 years too late is better than never.

Anyway - I am going to try to turn in early. This weekend wore this lady out.

Love always,

Wisconsin

Cute boys - hairy legs and early bed-times.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am sitting in a coffee house in Madison, feeling blue in the most content of ways, missing you - but less than usual and just trying to understand it all.

I actually had the most wonderful weekend. I got waaaaay too drunk on Friday with the double-ex, then woke up at High School Bestie's (HSBF) house incredibly hung-over. I swear the room was still spinning for half of yesterday. It was nice to get some alone time with the HSBF. We attempted to watch "White Christmas", an all time favorite of the both of ours, but mostly chatted (and cried) about life through the entire thing. We needed the conversation way more than we needed the movie.

[stevie is singing one of my favorite songs.....landslide! i love writing at coffee houses]

Then last night I met up with Thompson Street Room and had the most amazing night. Not because we did much of anything - other than eat far too much Mexican food - but we never needed to do much of anything to be happy. She always makes me laugh and we have the most fun singing our conversations, ripping on each other and just being together. She was the best roomie of all time. Maybe we both will get jobs in San Fran and be roomies again. Life would be divine. The beach and the vineyards on the weekends and yoga and wine on the week nights.

I am actually waiting for double-ex boy-friend to go to brunch. But I am staring at this beautiful "Ryan Atwood" look-a-like, wondering how I can slip him my number, hoping he doesn't misconstrue then the double ex boyfriend comes to pick me up. I have such a weakness for really attractive men - you are definitely one of those really attractive men. I bet I wouldn't like you as much if you weren't so handsome. That, my dear is the truth. Terrible, the truth is. Anyway, I doubt "Mr. Atwood" would be that into me considering he is meeting a bunch of dudes and they are talking about skiing. I do not ski. Oh but he is so cute. If nothing else I would look really cute in a ski-outfit.

I think the double ex-boyfriend would give it another shot. I have been mulling over that idea for the past 60 hours. There is a part of me that can see that happening. But mostly not. I want to spend the rest of my life composting, cooking and doing yoga (and wearing cute outfits, fuck - why I am so materialistic!!!). I am hardly interested in living a conventional life - unless of course, I want to. I am far too spirited and chaotic for him. Indecisive, dramatic, timid - yet bold and confident. Besides I doubt his very conservative family could ever accept me. And on some level I don't think he would either. Maybe it is just I wouldn't be able to accept myself in that situation.

OMG - this boy is so cute. Being single does have it perks!! Cute boys - hairy legs and early bed-times.

Anyway - double ex will be here soon. But I am thinking of you and for the first time I am really feeling okay with life. I guess good friends will do that for you.

Love

Wisconsin

It's 3:06 in the morning. I just got "home" from seeing double ex boyfriend

Dear Pennsylvania,

It's 3:06 in the morning. I just got "home" from seeing double ex boyfriend. While there was no making out there was a wonderful thing. He acknowledged all the wrong that he did on our relationship and had an apology. It feels so healing to know he knows how he hurt me so much. He knows that he was a big dick at times, and he is sorry. He even cried a little - well mostly coughed but that is what he does when he cries. I love him still and he loves me. That is beautiful. I love you and you love me too. That is beautiful too. I still want you. I still wish we could be. I learned so much from you and am grateful each day for knowing you. You made me a better person and you helped me become more confident with who I am. Thank you dear. You will be loved forever by me.

Thank you to him and thank to being drunk and thank you to the truth. It always wins. And thank you to you for being just the way you are. Il ove you.

Love

Wisconsin

So I kind of sort of want to get drunk and make-out with double ex (college) boy-friend

Dear Pennsylvania,

It's almost 9pm and the kids and Uncle aren't back yet, that's very late for them. I have to say when someone is dying you always assume the worst. What if they are at the hospice place because things aren't good? When the phone rang at 7 this morning my mind immediately jumped to the worst conclusion too. It's both a heavy and anxious energy that fills this house.

It's Uncle's and Best Friend's birthday today. The kids and I made Uncle some cinnamon swirl cookies and enjoyed a yummy dinner of chicken enchiladas. When I was smothering butter all over the naked little chicken I was thinking of you. You would be proud, I am getting much better at touching dead things. I stuffed the chicken with garlic, lemon and LIME - which was a really fresh addition to the bird. I wish you were here to try it. I also made chicken salad for tomorrow, yet another thing that reminds me of you.

I am headed to Madison tomorrow to see double-ex (college) boy-friend as well as Thompson St. roomie and high school bestie. I am soooo excited!!! I am looking forward to hanging out with the 12+ crowd. I can't wait to use the word "fuck" whenever I want. Honestly it's challenging for me to speak without cursing. As you know I have a terrible potty mouth in my casual conversations. I find myself struggling in my conversations with the kids - I stutter and don't finish sentences.

[they are back.....I assume everything is fine as there is regular family chatter]

I am also excited to have a whiskey on the rocks and let loose. Too bad you never met most any of my friends. Too bad you never went to NYC with me or got to experience MY life. It was always me experiencing your life, meeting your friends and family, going to your gigs. I always resented you just a little for not being more eager to explore my life. It's because you weren't in love with me; I always knew, I just didn't want to admit it.

So I kind of sort of want to get drunk and make-out with double ex (college) boy-friend*. [cringe] Even though the truth is I don't think I am attracted to him anymore. I really only want to make out with you. But I just want someone to love me, more like I want someone to want me. I want to feel beautiful and sexy because someone thinks I am. I know, I know, I know - I should feel that regardless of a man. But just for one night I want to feel desired. Because you make me feel so terribly undesirable.

In any case it will be really good to see him. It's been almost five years since we broke up and I have only seen him once in that time. I loved him so much. You and he are the two great loves of my life, (the third being my beloved dog Tromley (RIP)). Kind of like you, I cut him off and really haven't been able to be his friend all these years. For a long time I couldn't - it hurt too much. And then I just didn't. Maybe I can now. I wonder if we will ever get to that place.

There is a tiny part of me that wishes that double ex boyfriend and I could rekindle things. How easy would that be? Obviously we ended things for good reasons. But I just would love to insert someone in your spot - maybe it take away all this pain. REBOUND.

UGH, your mom just texted me right now, thanking me for the treats. I can't wait until she opens her Christmas present I made her. I hope she loves it and more than that I hope it makes you really sad and heart broken on Christmas. That's why I put a note on it to wait until Christmas to open, that way you would be forced to think of me and maybe you would wish that I was yours again.

Enough said. This is long winded. I am going to have a chicken-salad snack and try not to think of you.

Love

Wisconsin

*THIS DOES NOT IN ANY WAY GIVE YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE OUT WITH ANY EX GIRL-FRIENDS (or any other girls for that matter)!!!!!!!!!