And now I hate my hair.

This is exactly how I feel.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am having a serious panic attack. My hair....omg my hair. It's ruined. I got it cut and colored tonight - and it looks terrible. The color is okay - a little too stripey and needs some toning adjustments. But the cut is terrible.......omg, I am devastated by this. My hair is my security blanket - and she fucked it up. Now I am going to have to cut it short. I have no patience for this at all whatsoever. Hopefully Bunkmate can fix it next Friday - but I hate to ask her to do it bc I always feel bad because I am poor and can't afford her prices - plus she is in the middle of moving and I know that is really stressful and making a life change. I just don't want to bother her or take advantage of her. I emailed her - I am desperate. I hate asking anyone for favors. But it looks so terrible. It even feels terrible. It looks like two separate hair cuts.

I just wanted to look pretty. Fuck, I am crying about my hair. It's just I wanted to go to NY next week and feel confident and sexy. I never feel pretty anymore. I live in yoga pants and I never do my hair and I am almost 30 and single and live in a basement that makes my eyes stick together at night. I have no single friends here. I feel like I will be alone forever. Their cat is really starting to piss me off. It's been such a long couple of weeks. I just wanted to feel pretty. And now I hate my hair. And the thing is even if I don't feel like I have a pretty face - I always can make my hair pretty. And now it's fucked up.

I am having a break-down about my hair. Obviously it's more than just the hair - but it's a lot about the hair.

I am really sad about this. I feel so shallow - but I really am sad. I am such a girl sometimes. There are people in the world who can't eat or get beaten by their husbands, or kids who lose their mothers and I am crying about my hair. Pathetic.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

At least it's long enough to hide up in a messy pony-tail thing.

Puke, break-downs and a messy house.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I think I need a crush. Crushes are the perfect thing to help you through break-ups. I just want someone to think about that isn't you. I will admit to thinking about double-ex boyfriend. I am sure I will see him next week when I go to NYC. It is so completely wrong but I just want to be wanted. I want double ex-boyfriend to want me. I want him to want me so bad he kisses me. HA! I want to look so cute and I want to get drunk and kiss him back. I have to be careful of course. Because once upon a time I was head over heels in love with him. He could do no wrong - he was most certainly the apple of my eye. That was a long time ago. I was a different person - well I guess you could just say now I am just more of myself, a better self. Over the years I certainly have evolved and have come to reject much of my past indulgences.

I think that is part of the reason I liked you so much - because you nurtured the parts of me that I want to be. We share the same value system - even in an idealistic way. We want to spread love and be kind to the Earth, eat healthy, do yoga, be creative and have fun. Oh and I want to have babies. I hope I find someone someday who shares that value system (and wants babies:))

Double-ex boyfriend is "successful" in all the cliche ways. He's a fancy lawyer now, doing fancy lawyer things like going to UN meetings. He's big time. His life is full of world travels and fun. He likes to go out and be social - he likes weddings. I hate them. He has over 500 "friends" on FB. I hate facebook. He works his ass off and is very imbalanced that way. A life with him would have meant a big fat diamond ring, a town house AND a country house, and every morning we would dance - that part is good, but then I wouldn't see him until like 9pm or later when he finally would get done with work. I don't think life should be that imbalanced. Oh did I mention he is conservative? Ugh - it would never work. But it did work for three years. He was my longest relationship. We grew up together in so many ways and then grew out of each other. I just have to be aware that I am lonely and grieving right now and it would be so easy to catch a rerun.

I am so tired again. (sigh) Another really long day. Puke, break-downs and a messy house. Thank god for yoga......whatever would I do without yoga.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

The good thing is that I have made it to the "i need a crush stage", not fully over the person - in fact still grieving the loss, but far enough along to let the idea of someone else into their mind without feeling sick.

Tonight I don't so much miss you as I just miss someone.

I guess I will just hug myself. Not the same.

(flixya)

Dear Pennsylvania,

(HUGE sigh). What a long day. Between finishing my PC application (YAY I ACTUALLY DID IT!!), the kids, taxes, yoga and running across town to apply for a part time job I am wiped - and I am still recovering from everything.....we all are. I am sure they will be for years to come.

You know what really sucks about being single? I don't have someone to come home to for that everyday support. If I have a bad day - I have a bad day. No one is there to complain to at night. No one is there for hugs and laughs. No backrubs or cuddles or someone who wonders why you are late. It is just me. All my friends are busy with their boy-friends and husbands. Besides you don't call people just to complain about your day. Tonight and most all of last week I just wanted someone who I could break down and cry to. Because it's hard to be by yourself sometimes, especially when times are tough. I know I am learning so much in these last couple of months - especially week. But right now I just want to cuddle, mostly I just want to cry and for someone to tell me it will be alright - even if they have to lie. I wish it was you - but honestly I would settle for my cat at this point. Jesus. Just someone to make me feel like I am not alone. AND YES I KNOW WE ARE ALL ALONE. We were born alone we die alone. I get it. Leave your over-intellectualizing at the door. Because we humans are social creatures....we need love.

Tonight I don't so much miss you as I just miss someone.

I actually can't believe I didn't call you - well I did but you didn't answer. I am so much stronger than I thought I would be. I do wish I could call you to cry to, your advice and wisdom during all this would be wonderful. It's so much sometimes it's hard for me to process all. Sometimes I feel like I have to be stronger than I really am. Or perhaps I am forced to be as strong as I really am - but it's so tiring to use everything you've got. I could use a partner for my heavy lifting.

(another big sigh).

I wonder if I wrote to you that means I am taking a step-forward or back. I think I just want someone to talk to.

Love

Wisconsin

I am scared. I am sad. I am anxious.

singing one of my faves.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I wonder if you watched the Oscars. I wonder if you thought of me - especially during the end when my favorite choir sang! Can you believe it? What an amazing opportunity for those kids. They ALWAYS make me cry.

I wanted to call you so bad today - but I was proud of myself I called so many people instead - no one answered, but I just kept going down the roster.

It's soon - maybe tonight, certainly in the next couple of days. I am scared. I am sad. I am anxious. I have never dealt with death in such a close way. I want to call you because I just want to cry, like I am right now actually (which is good I need a release). It's just so sad. I wonder how the kids will be. I wonder how Uncle will be. I wish California was home, thankfully she will be home Tuesday.

I just wish I could cry in your arms. I never really did that, but now I would like to. I know you are there - it sounds silly but I can feel your support. It's hard because you are still the person that I want to go to for support, but I can't, not without making things harder than they already are. Poo :_) (that means, smiling through the tears).

Love,

Wisconsin

wild hearts can't be broken

I thought I was ready for a romantic comedy all by myself.

I know I have posted this before. But it just feels how I feel.

It hurts instead.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I thought I was ready for a romantic comedy all by myself. I think I was pushing it. I made it all the way through the credits and then there were 15 tears.

1st - Because I miss you.

2nd - Because we never really had a love story - what is a love story without the love?

3rd - Because I want love so badly.

4th - Because I miss you some more.

5th - Because I am afraid it just isn't going to happen for me.

6th - Because I laughed so much when I was with you.

7th - Because I am scared I don't love myself enough to be loved.

8th - Because life happens in unexpected ways.

9th - Because I still love you.

10th - Because you could just be my friend and it wouldn't hurt.

11th - Because the movie ended happy - unexpectedly.

12th - Because I still want to believe in love.

13th - Because I am alone again. And I know that's not bad, just alone.

14th - Because maybe love doesn't really exist.

15th - Because all I really ever wanted was love. And I thought I found that with you.

Love,

Wisconsin

I shaved my legs today.

it was worse. now my heart hurts less.

Dear Pennsylvania,

I shaved my legs today - I took a bath and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have nice legs under all that hair - a little bowed and skinny but they could be worse. Also this week I sent in my Food Corps application. I am finishing my Peace Corps application this weekend. It's almost done. I clearly haven't written you much lately. I think the combination of all these things mean my heart is healing. I am finally moving on. That and the other stuff on my mind (aunt) just seems too private to share.

I still think of you everyday. I still cringe at the thought of you falling love love - it makes me feel sick. I still love you, very much. You are so important to me and I cherish our time together. You gave me so many gifts. I miss you. I am by no means over you. But I have accepted us as over. I no longer think in the back of my head we will get back together. I have let go. I guess that's why I can move forward.

Anyway - I hope you are having a good Friday night. I am at California's again with Quinn Frances. I am going to finish my essays, make an apple cobbler and paint. Should be a relaxing weekend.

Love,

Wisconsin