Another batch of peanut butter cookies are in the oven and I wish they were for you.

"Resignation" Pamela Davis Kivelson

Dear Pennsylvania,

I miss you.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep or because it's Saturday and I am not busy with One and Three. Or maybe because we haven't talked in more than a week. Or maybe because Two and I just got to my parents and I feel all weird and am seeking comfort. Maybe it's because I started playing Michael Jackson for Two - but had to switch it because it reminds me too much of you. Or maybe because another batch of peanut butter cookies are in the oven and I wish they were for you.

All I know is my heart hurts. And I can feel the tears anxiously waiting to fall.

I love you. And I don't know how I will ever get over you.

All my Saturday love,

Wisconsin

Besides even if this guy was Howard Roark - I just want you.

Dear Pennsylvania,

Friday! I bet you have a gig somewhere....I hope you are having fun and drive safe. I went to dinner with my parents and Gram. My Gram and I discussed 20th century inventions and rabbit eye balls. I love my Gram. Then I came back to Uncle's and began embroidering "love" on my pillow while watching Arrested Development on netflix. I wish you were here to cuddle with.

This guy from yoga fb messaged me asking if I want to hang out. I think he has a yoga crush on me. I don't have a yoga crush on him. He has red hair and just finished his masters in safety operations. Safety operations - ugh. Totally not for me. I don't mind the red hair if you are Howard Roark. Besides even if this guy was Howard Roark - I just want you.

I am waking up super early tomorrow to go to a Zen service. I have to be there by 6:15 AM! Can you believe I am doing this? I am not an early riser.....but I think the two hour meditation will be both interesting and good for me.

I hope you have a beautiful weekend. I miss you.

Love

Wisconsin

I used smooth p.b. - I know you like the chunky.

won't you come for dinner.....and stay forever?

(image found at http://lolitasclassics.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html)

Dear Pennsylvania,

I think I am finally getting a hang of life here at Uncle's. One managed to get all his school done in the morning - which leaves him a happy camper in the afternoon - which means I am too. The house which is always a mess is finally getting to be less messy. I am training my little darlings to be a little more organized. We have a long way to go.

I made those peanut butter cookies today. I used smooth p.b. - I know you like the chunky. I also made hominy for a side-dish for dinner. It was sitting in the cupboard and I had never heard of it before. It was canned so it tasted of preservatives, but I very much enjoyed the texture. A little garlic and home-made chicken broth and it made for good comfort food. I always miss you at dinner and breakfast and lunch. Food was our thing. It's not the same without you.

I am somewhat dreading the weekend. Going home to my parents after last week's vacation will be hard. But if I don't go then it will get more and more awkward. (the word awkward is really awkward if you look at it!). They will probably be gone tomorrow night and then me and Country Boy are probably going to hang out this weekend. But there will be no country kissing this time around. The only boy I want to kiss is you.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

I forgot to tell you that yesterday I talked to Aunt. She called from hospice. She was much more lucid than usual though our conversation was still a struggle, as she remains confused. She was worried about the kids and I told her it was okay, I have them. And then she said "thank you so much for taking such good care of the kids. You are like a sister to me". That broke my heart and melted it at the same time. I am so happy to help.

I think we should get back together.

Then we can listen to this album while we" re-kindle".

Dear Pennsylvania,

I was going to post our emails to the blog, but realized they could be HIGHLY offensive to some people. I have a bit of tact - though not much. You and I both understand our sarcasm and inside jokes, and our take on the world. But those emails could easily get misconstrued. Plus the last one I wrote to you was very vulgar - for you - to hopefully put a smile on your face:)

Anyway - two yoga classes tonight. Stepping it up! Feeling good.

I think we should get back together. Well first I think I should stop caring about you. And then you will decide you want to marry me - and then you will have to woo me and wine and dine me to get me back together (all you really need to do is make me laugh (and cuddle)).

Love

Wisconsin

10 Questions for the Dalai Lama

Dear Pennsylvania,

I just watched "10 Questions for the Dalai Lama" and am wishing you were here to chat about it with. I am feeling very overwhelmed with guilt for being so emotionally self-indulgent and materialistic.

I want to make a difference, I want to see the world and to have a better understanding of suffering and the human spirit. I want to care for the Earth and care for those in it. This must be my life's calling, anything else seems selfish.

I am so tired. Busy day ending with Gram over for dinner. She was 8 years old when she first had electricity! Amazing.

I love you.

Love

Wisconsin

PS

When I write I love you - it isn't so much "i am in love with you" as it is "i love you as a human being" (who I also happen to be in love with - ha!).

I can understand more clearly why you aren't "attracted" to me

I am learning to love myself more than I love you.

Dear Pennsylvania,

So I did the Five Tibetan Rites this morning and got so insanely nauseous - my mouth watered and I seriously thought I was going to puke. Meanwhile Three did them with me and she was good as gold - even doing more than 21 spins! Kids are so balanced. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

Another pretty good day, though it took me awhile to get back in the swing of things with the kids and school. I bought the yoga mat! I am soooooo excited to for it to come! I got the "balck beauty" supposedly it is the color of raspberry sorbet. I hope it looks more like beets. I love the color of beets! AND California and I are going down to Madison the 14th for that amazing Yin workshop I went to last year before I moved....with aroma therapy :) My new friend, Yoga Teacher (one of my actual yoga teachers) might come too. She is so incredible. I love her! It would be good for California to meet her too, because I know she struggles meeting like-minded people in her tiny conservative town.

OH! AND Yoga Teacher invited me on the 13th to lunch and then to get reiki work done!!!!!! I am so excited! I feel like I am meeting the nicest and coolest people. I also relate well to them because we are all Midwesterners at heart - yet don't live a conservative Midwestern life.

I feel like 2011 is going to be great. It is going to be about me finding my path. And honestly I think I am well on my way. I feel like I am destined to do something either in art or holistic healing - whether yoga, food, energy or herbs. Maybe I can combine everything. In any case I am really excited for this year.

I was thinking today in the car about how I can understand more clearly why you aren't "attracted" to me. I didn't have something that I loved and wanted more than you. I didn't really have something that nurtured me. Everything always revolved around us - mostly around you and your crazy schedule.

That's the thing I miss least about you. Your schedule. It literally drives me crazy. As much as I resist it I am a schedule type of girl. You are suffocated by routine, I thrive on it. We are terrible for each other in that way. We would have to work harder on that. You would have to be open to more of a routine. I would have to ease up.

My yoga routine is truly keeping me sane. I have never understood how grounding and rooting it can be until these past two months. I absolutely love it and know I will have it for the rest of my life wherever I go. I know you always encouraged me to practice but I was so stubborn because I felt like I was doing it for you. Now it is MINE. And I love it.

Hope you are having a wonderful day. You are at Bobby's right now. Don't drink too much vodka and drive home (I bet you miss me giving you shit about that!).

Love always,

Wisconsin

Mackerel. Halibut. Sturgeon. Gold. Lion. Clown. Puffer. Minnow. Sardine

forever!

Dear Pennsylvania,

I am home....in so many ways.

Last night I stayed with California. I think of all the people in the world she might be the most nurturing to me. I always feel so loved, accepted, valued and understood in her presence. I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life. I love hanging out with Frog and Facebook too. Frog even stayed home from a movie to hang out with me - I heart him.

I got back on the mat tonight and felt amazing. I missed class so much when I was gone. This studio is so nurturing to me. I made two new friends tonight and chatted with my favorite teacher about my disaster trip and then her Christmas meltdown too.

I am cozy in my bed excited to wake up with Two and do the 5 Tibetan Rituals. I am going to start doing them every morning, hopefully Two will do them with me M-F. Oh! Also I think I am going to try and go to yoga twice a day on M/W/F. So that will bring my practice up to 9 times a week. It could be a bit of a stretch to get up at 5:30 however.....we'll see, I am not so good before 7am. But maybe it would change my life. AND I am finally going to buy myself a new yoga mat! I am psyched!

In any case. I feel so much more at ease - so much more myself.

I love you so much today. I especially loved when I accidentally sent you the text I meant to send to Ten - you answered - without asking the context of having a clue what I am talking about.

ME: Types of fish?

YOU: Mackerel. Halibut. Sturgeon. Gold. Lion. Clown. Puffer. Minnow. Sardine. How many do u need?

These are things that make me love you so dearly. As a boy-friend, as an ex-boy-friend, as a friend, as a human. You are my favorite person. My favorite. I have a feeling you will always be.

I really do love you so much - extra today, in a sad but truly grateful way. You changed my life for the better. You helped me to help myself. I will forever appreciate our time together.

Love,

Wisconsin